My beautiful friend Stacy has found herself in a whirlwind romance and so now…we plan! T-Minus…10 days! Eep!
It’s interesting because growing up in South Florida I only knew the Cuban coffee culture. Little street windows where you crowd up with others trying to catch the window ladies attention so you can place your quick order.
Your order sounds nothing like anything any other coffee lovers would know of. They’re Hispanic orders of coffee; espresso. Spanish.
Like what, you ask?
“Cafe Con Leche” = A stronger more condensed version of your usual coffee shop Latte. Usually brands of espresso such as Pilon or Bustelo are used.
Then theres the ever universal “un Espresso” with a Hispanic twist.
It’s a shot of strong Cuban Espresso but as the crema pours into the small silver cup, sugar is added and mixed to create a thick sweet creamy espresso “foam”.
Thats really all I knew of coffee until my adolescent years when my “cousin” introduced me to a certain popular coffee chain. I bought into every first timers choice…a blended frozen coffee with caramel syrup, whipped cream and lots of caramel drizzled on top…
At that time I felt that was a trendy grown up choice.
I was 13 years old.
The fact that it had coffee in it was no stranger to me due to the years of coffee I already had consumed since an earlier age. Its the Hispanic way. You’re sipping coffee through your bottle at an early age.
Well as the years passed I grew up in my drink choices; years later I actually worked at a coffee joint-the well known one. I loved writing and when laptops and blogs stepped into the scene, I began to grow in appreciation for the atmosphere of a coffee shop.
Let us set the scene shall we?
The stage is black, the curtains raised. A warm light cues in from a brick fireplace. The lights go up and viola! The most cozy, warm, wonder-filled, artistic encouraged place of your dreams…ok, well my dreams.
I hadnt been that wonderstruck since Disney World!
It was in an authentic Coffee House, Cafe, Coffee Shop; what you will.
All I ever knew were these Hispanic joints and the occasional Starbucks that is very much commercialized and modernly decorated to suite this city life here.
I recalled a few times perhaps seeing such things in movies & television but never dreamed they were real & even better; in certain cities, there were many of them.
Yes, Im being melodramatic but hey; its what was going on inside. Just trying to give ya’ll a well visualization here.
As I began to explore & experience this new culture, it dawned on me that it was in fact that…a culture.
You had the coffee connoisseurs who could smell the beans & know from what country they were grown or the ones who could sip plain black brewed coffee as if it were a wine tasting & describe all the notes to it, such as earthy, smokey, nutty, ect.
I was also introduced to those early risers who own their own coffee grinder and french press. Before working up north at a coffee shop, these terms & items were completely foreign to me.
I was fascinated with coffee. I loved coffee. I had a different palette than those connoisseurs which my Hispanic taste buds & Cuban coffee culture are to blame but all the same, I “needed” it in my life…daily!
So theres the “love” of coffee but after sitting & lounging in several coffee shops, coming back to South Florida created a coffee bean shaped whole in my lil’ “corazon”. Where were my warm, brick & wood, nook filled cozy plush couch coffeehouses?
NO WHERE! No where to be found.
I missed sitting at a coffee shop with a book in hand, my ” for here” mug filled with yummy rich coffee dressed on top with some skillful latte art. I missed coming in from the cold of a beautifully rustic Fall day to sit in a nook with my laptop because inspiration to write was flooding my mind. I had a love affair with the culture of coffee.
Some may think Im such a snob right now or that I’m so “hipster”. Trust me, if you saw me or knew me, Im neither. Im just a girl who loves coffee…and the culture of coffee more!
In recent development, our city has gained one authentic northern looking coffee shop. One is something at least. For years now I have thought, “If only I had lots of money & an awesome business minded investor & partner, I would definitely open up my own coffeehouse”.
Till then, I continue to search the city for more & share this love with others.
It truly is the little things in life…
Well, I take my happy sigh & bid you all good night.
Till the next random thought
::takes a bow. Walks off…stage left…
wrong side….stage right…curtsies center stage, nervous laughter, walks off::
Let me just jump right into it:
And I can say this from not just witnessing it from others, but being guilty of it myself. Why? Because we’re passionate about what we each believe and want to defend it till the end and gain believers of the same ideals. Like I said, let’s get real.
For months, I’ve had these ideas weighing on my heart but had no language to bring those opinions to life. This always happens to me, I feel strongly about something but do not have the words to express them, then out of the blue one night (cause it’s always at night) I get this burst of epiphany that causes me to run to my Notepad on my phone cause if not, the words that suddenly are flooding in cohesively will quickly disappear, nowhere to be found.
So here’s what I was thinking…
Yes people kill people (gun or no gun) but too many accidental deaths of and by children who find the at-home gun are too often as well; just one example. (you can google: “risks and benefits of a gun at home) To accept and demand one evil to prevent or avoid another still comes with heavy consequences.
We want our yin with yang, but are we truly responsible enough as emotional, broken, unwise, temper tantrum, curious minded human beings of all ages to handle such things as life or death in our own, or by our own hand?
It all can not be pinned on the conspiracy issues either, such as “our nation is against us and one day we’ll need to defend ourselves from it”. I wont address this or my opinion possibly right now cause it is not my focus here. This leans towards “politics” talk which I don’t want right now.
Yes, people hurt/kill people and just like people will get high, why not just legalize drugs? To make things like these more easily accessible creates no boundaries or development of understanding consequence. From the recent decades it seems we want what we want, when we want and to hell with all those stupid rules that are telling us how to live. Let us not bother teaching that fire burns. If we want to play with fire then let us be “free” and play with it. It’ll burn and maybe we’ll learn our lesson and maybe not. Now with this mentality, all it can take is just one time playing with this fire (in case you were wondering, this is a metaphor) and accidentally burning down a house. The fire starter is alive and well enough but 3 innocents died in this fire. Three innocents who had nothing to do with this fire. These scenarios in all different forms happen everyday.
Here’s the thing, its not about taking sides because this issue for example is not as black and white as we have made it. Since it is not that black and white, this is why the issue is much more than our Americanized politics, hence politics will not solve this issue, it can not solve this issue. This is a human issue. An issue of the mind, heart and soul. Our political system is also very black and white minded. (Deep man commercial voice) Democrat, Republican where do you stand?! (Uncle Sam pointer pose). If life and the foundation of our human living were that black and white, your Bible, Quran, Torah or whichever other document your beliefs stand on would only be maybe 5 pages…not hundreds. And with all that, we still dont get it, arent “doing it right” or understand it or know how to live it.
Someone may break into your home to shot you, so you feel the need to have a gun on hand with easy enough access just incase. This is one of the main reasons people are arguing the need to have a gun…a handgun not even a long gun for the excuse of hunting. We may die in many other unjust ways where someone else shots us. It may be a drive by where you’re not prepared to have a gun at hand and defend yourself.
Thinking of a home break in though one must think; are you really prepared to point a gun at a human being and take their life?
Many just said yes without hesitation. Some are thinking of all the legit reasons why; for example a man is thinking of standing there and defending his wife, a mother standing there and defending her children, “hell yeah!” some are thinking. I definitely get that, but do the few random possibilities of this scenario outweigh the daily risks of giving so many human beings who arent even responsible enough these days to have safe sex, or not drink then drive the effortless power of life and death?
Now there are some who are without a hesitation or a blink about shooting another human being and honestly those are the people who scare me, granted that’s just me.
I just look around and see a decaying world that I debate whether I’d see myself wanting to raise children in the future tomorrow. I see issues of liberty at play and the stances that are pulling a society, a country more apart than together and all Im saying is, we may need to stop and think more…take more responsibility and recognize that the issue is bigger at hand and the solution does not have a black and white answer, so let’s not rip each others throats about it.
In the end, as I said in the beginning; the idea that removing “all” rights to possess a gun NOW after decades of nationwide access to guns even at a Wal-Mart or Sports Authority where your child can buy sneakers is ridiculous. The damage has been done and guns are out there, everywhere. Now every Tom, Dick and Harriet wants a gun and is going out to get as many as they can due to this current affair…(cue in the sarcasm) lovely.
Giving us guns, not giving us guns…either does not solve anything…there’s no win with either choice now.
The issue is much greater…it’s not a political issue, it’s a human issue.
Just some food for thought that I couldnt get out of my head. Thanks for reading.
So much has happened in the last eight months, i dont know exactly, if I have processed it all…no, no…I know for sure I have not processed it all. Not even close! I am walking around everyday and I have come to the point where each day, Im okay…everything is…okay. Life is okay…but I am not fine at all…not by a long shot and everything in me wants to just be my old self but I dont know if I’ll find it or am meant to find “her” again. Perhaps as heart wrenching as this is, Im suppose to be a completely different person after this tumble dry Im going through. Im that lost sock just tumbling in the dryer, not found by it’s very confused owner who remembers putting both individuals of that pair in the dryer together.
Time does not stop, slow down…at all; not even for a second. I’m baffled by how time has flown by and continues to fly and I truly feel as though Im paralyzed and do not progress, evolve, move forward at all. Its quite irritating to tell you the truth. Everyone around me is moving, living and I feel stuck…well more trapped because as much as I desire and make small steps to change my circumstance, Im grabbed by my back collar like a Momma lion picking up her cub except shes more gentle, Im violently tossed back to where Ive been…to wait some more…
I have it better than many. Even my health issues are not nearly as severe or life altering as others who live in hospitals or are truly trapped in their body with no way out. I am very blessed. I have a wonderful home, an amazing parent, sibling. For how life has hit many in the last 5 years alone, we are lucky.
I have materialistically, outwardly everything I could need and THEN some, honestly…so why do I feel so lost and trapped? Why does my health hold me back from living? Why cant I just break myself out of this prison and fly?
I remember when I was in high school, I was once told that I was in a cage, a bird cage with the door opened. I was there acting as though I were caged in, while all along, the door was open for me to just step out and fly. They continued to say after that “Fly…fly…”
I never forgot that. Interesting enough I love bird cages and have them in my room decor, jewelry, ect. It’s funny because looking back, it resonates so closely to my circumstances the last 15 years I could say. Sad, but true.
Okay, dumb reference but my mind is a vast and bizarre place to explore so this is what came to mind as an example. I think of that ridiculous movie that just came out “Warm Bodies”. I mean honestly! Vampires and Werewolves and Warlocks and Witches was done…what next? Zombie “love”? Anyway do not get me started on that; my point was, visualizing how from the commercials, all these zombies walking around practically lifeless while humans out there are living their lives. The dumb zombies I mean, not the creepy deformed ones I saw instantly attacking in the trailer. Just dumb, lifeless groaning zombies stumbling around aimlessly, really no destination…just…getting through another day, only taking care of basic needs.
I feel like many of us, cause I know there are so many out there walking around barely living life for x, y, z reason. While all around us, thousands surround us clueless and living their lives, living for their goals and ambitions.
I feel like that guy character from that movie. It’s as though he woke up to realize there was so much more, he was so much more. He didnt have to live this way.
Now the question? What do you do with that realization? All of your circumstances tell you “no!” You body tells you, “no” your mind tells you “no”, some people tell you “no”…
How do you snap out of it? What will it take?
Everyone around you has kind words, their own wisdom and two cents to chime in with but thats all they are, words. The work behind initiating the help is a huge intake and responsibility, so I dont blame them for sticking to their words and hoping someone else or something else will swoop in and do the job. So in the end, all that support is genuine lip service that still keeps and finds you today where you were yesterday.
So now what? I know many have contemplated more severe and painful measures…some have contemplated or succeeded ending their lives…but as tempting as the idea may seem, its not a solution. It doesnt solve anything. I believe the pain remains even after and one leaves much more pain behind. If you love anyone at all, it’s not justified to leave them in such pain and lack of closure. It’s not a solution…So one must ask themselves…myself, how do I snap out of it? The days, the weeks, the months and the years are passing like lightning and can not continue to look the same anymore. Arent you tired of it?
As much as many would like to bring up God as the means and life saver to grab unto in the tempest sea, or the dolphin ::I smirk:: who you just need to hold on to like Elian Gonzalez who, the dolphins required no effort from the boy but to just hold on as they took him to safety… (I know, my references, I warned you of this bizarre mind and thought process)
But here’s an honest moment…I’ve tried the waiting, leaning on God thing…and I have to ask myself; if that were the answer, how am I still here struggling? Which begs me to question, not that there is anything particularly wrong with God but that there must be something much deeper that I, myself need to deal with here. I cant rely as much as I have tired and wanted to, on God to just change me, change my life path, life circumstances, ailments. I have always swept my issues under the rug and waited thinking I was “leaning on God” and in the mean time live life in His service all in the name that “I let go and leaned on God” to fix and carry me. I am not saying God failed cause I dont think He’s the problem. Dont get me wrong, lets be honest and raw here, at one point, I did. I thought He was the problem and possibly wasnt even out there at all. Im still soul searching and working out all the details but in the end, I think I need to figure out the deeper issue here. I could lean on religion and routines and old habits (well technically I cant, cause everything, something in me wont let me anymore) but lets say, I could…the core issue and problem still remains. Something deeper is waiting for a face to face confrontation, duel…
The terms and phrases are sweet and encouraging and great…in theory… but obviously it has not worked for me all these years so now I face the frightening question…how now shall I live? (how now brown cow?)
What am I suppose to be learning and living out here?
Cause what was once a girl who thought to have everything figured out, all she had “figured out” has just broken into millions of pieces of rubble and ash and I sit in the middle of it all having NO clue what Im suppose to be doing now with this new reality.
I sit in shades of darkness and catch glimpses of light here and there. I occasionally feel the rain and sometimes I feel God in the rain and other times, only my tears feed the storm pouring above me and I wait…
A friend told me, requesting whole heartedly that at least, I fight. Not give up.
Writing this, being so raw and honest with complete strangers and some not so strangely acquainted with me, through many different levels in my life (those are the ones who scare me the most in regards to reading this) is perhaps a means of trying to fight. Getting these raw emotions out there for venting sake and nothing more.
Some dont know how to handle such raw emotions so it’s harder to divulge to the ones you love or love you in return. Will their view of you change? Did they truly love you at all…great way to test that out Im sure.
So whats the solution? Whats the conclusion? If kindred ones out there are reading this, I fear that I unfortunately as of yet do not have that answer…for you, for me.
We do need to talk about it. It needs to be said. The deepest and darkest of it…it needs to be shared and it needs to leave your chest so you catch a breathe.
1. Escaping to the capacity of leaving this current world, is not the solution. (in layman’s terms: suicide) It wont bring peace, I truly believe, the pain will follow. Your soul will be in such shock from it, whatever it is that happens after death. Leaving with such an ache and pain and sadness can not possibly find you free of it with such an escape.
2. Find out how to let those feelings and the jumbled mess of emotions out! I am TERRIBLE at verbally expressing my emotions, but once prompted, I can write it. Tonight, after 8 months, I was prompted for the third time. The first two times I have kept private but tonight after debating 10 different times since writing this whether or not to publish this…I am. Im going to share this with the world wide web..sheesh…no pressure.
3. Make itty bitty tiny decisions, goals…Goals seems like such a BIG, almost intimidating word. I need a smaller one…hmm…one moment…thesaurus time…
google…searching thesaurus.com…goal…oof! ambition? mission? still too lofty…searching searching…objective?…i am NOT finding the word I mean to say here…ending search…paraphrasing…
(end elevator music)
K! Im back! Sooo, lets just say, mini appointments, ideas to see through for the next day. For example, little things that you know you can do, are easy really to you in this state of mind but still challenge you somewhat. My example being that tomorrow, I will say yes to setting my alarm to have coffee with a friend who has chased me down this week. My comfort zone wanted to say “no, stay in bed and hide”. I choose to make myself go out tomorrow. Now, I have had MANY times previous to this where I just said “Nope ::cough cough:: sorry, cant make it”. (I was genuine a lot of those times …I see the coming inquiries from some after that statement ::grin::) So dont feel bad if it takes you a while to get there. You didnt fail cause you didnt get up today and do the one thing you wanted to try and do. One day, you will… and then many days later in a row you may not…then one day again…you will.
So…that’s all I got right now. 1, 2, and 3…Im still waiting …for freedom…for rubble to rebuild to something beautiful and hopeful again.
I have experienced many things these last 8 months…death of a loved one, death of my inner self, death of a career, death of ideals, death simulated attacks on my body and spirit…ect…and I guess somewhere in me, theres gotta be some sort of “hope”…even in its most minuscule form…its there…and I’ll continue to wait, putting it out there in the universe and seeing what the effect of this cause produces. I’ll do 1 through 3 and wait for 4, 5, 6, and so on…
So there it is…it’s all I have today…tomorrow? Who knows. May be another few days, weeks, months till another eureka; dear God I hope not months, but its already been months and years…I guess whats a few more…positive outlook? Still working on that.
Go for a drive…stand in the rain…watch the stars…find an art project or craft of sorts to spend the time…journal…hope…
hope with me…
“Oh, these times are hard, yea theyre making us crazy, dont give up on me baby…”
I would have liked, I believe to have gone through the whole college experience. I watch movies (which of course I know fabricate the truth of such experiences) and I’m not focused on the character’s role in all this. What I’m looking at is everything else around them. The trees on bright lawns of green, the gorgeous architecture of the structures encircling them, students with books…large books in their hands, leaning against one of those brilliant trees reading, conversations from passerby, ect…
I look at that and go, “hmm…I wouldve loved to been one of them…maybe I can… (chuckle to self) yea nevermind. Though appearance wise I can pass off being mistaken for the 19-21 category, the truth of my age would just make my attendance a sad…sad thing to behold.
Perhaps its just my love of books…unfortunately my love for carrying them, owning them, buying them goes far deeper than my love for reading them. I was never a reader growing up. I came from an entertainment driven family. A T.V. in every room. No one ever encouraged or inspired reading around me so here I am today finding myself at a constant mentoring of myself to read all the books that fill my bookshelf and make me so happy. So again, yes perhaps its the love of books, coffee and cozy surroundings that draw me to curiosity about the “collegiate life”. But not just any, I think of the sad-looking schools in my area and have NO desire to explore this hidden curiosity there. I want beautiful, historic structures that one could get lost in; another place, another time. That right there would require living in another state completely…and being quite intelligent to even be accepted on such grounds…oh yea and theres the whole turning back time and attempting this whole life after high school all over again…fabricating an old great grandparent of great wealth who has suddenly discovered their unfailing admiration and love for my existence hence giving me a butt load of money wouldn’t have been so bad either in this re-do scenario.
If I had truly applied myself, I wonder if I could have been a great student. After high school, the corporate 9-5 world found me and my situation needed my attention. I had aspirations and dreams. They were all artistic.
Funny story, a few years later I had the opportunity to pursue school again. I decided I wanted to get into FIU’s Theater program. I somehow got all the information and audition dates. I prepared and went to audition. A friend had come with me to wait. I was terrified. I was reviewing my monologue. It was a long day. I was one of the last auditions. I went in and performed a monologue from David Mamet’s Oleanna. I found the piece online and never had read the play. Thats a “no no”. Once I was done auditioning in this typical small black box theater (love that!) in front of 3 judges sitting directly in front of me they of course questioned if I was familiar with the material, had I ever read it. I was honest and said, no. They gave me the slap on the hand look but in the end, they liked my performance.
The next day I found out I was accepted into the theater program. I was ecstatic! I couldnt believe that they had found me worthy! I was already in love with the department building. I had been there for District competition when I was in high school theater. They made an appointment for me to come in, see the department leader and start my bright future here in this university.
So…there was this one…small…minut detail I needed to first discuss with my new fearless leader. I went in that bright Monday morning, sat in her office and she was confused. She was looking everywhere in the system for me. Wasnt I registered? Yea, so what had happened was, I never applied to the school. Somewhere in my mind I had convinced myself that, if only I can just secure my spot first in the department, everything else would work itself out…right? No.
She looked disappointed and it made me feel good that she was excited to have me and terrible for needing to walk away from this great opportunity that could have changed the course of my life.
Thats just it huh? For those of you who believe everything happens for a reason, well, there it is. This life changing opportunity gave me a taste and spit me back out with the rest of the world. All for some back on life-course reason right? Honestly, dont ask me now, I still dont see the big picture.
Anyhoo, my many attempts at returning to school and trying something new and old, always met me with face slammed by the door conclusions. Something…something always happened and so my college adventures were always short-lived.
All that to say…It would have been nice to experience that. Interesting to think back and wonder how different choices, opportunities, experiences could have, would have made us very different people today because of them. Who would I have been? What would have been my interests, thoughts, ideals? Random but curious thought.
Well off to bed to continue hopefully a good book.
Why the Blepeepeksfsf qjsfjasdfaf@ isfs/gdzngkldgeGt5rjergidsjvlckn a!!!???
::composes self…takes a breath…returns to the audience::
So, I just reblogged a post from almost two years ago i believe, about Wisdom Teeth. Oh the “lovely” critters. Again, why do we need “wisdom teeth” if they only ever need to be extracted from existence?!! And WHY are they called “Wisdom” teeth. Nothing “Wise” about them!
Forgive me, I am extremely bummed 0ut that I have found myself in this situation…again!
I know I know, I was warned this would happen. I was encouraged t0 remove all 4 of them at once. But have you seen some of the poor souls who have down this monstrosity?!
I have heard the eye witness stories! I have heard those poor souls stories, none which provoke me to ever think taking out all four is EVER a “good” idea! Just saying.
Anyway, I went to a new dentist and he was nice but a bit on the patronizing side, as if he was speaking calmly to a raging lion with its crazy eyes looking at him, and he stands there with a smile warning you that onlywith cooperation will he work with you.
My Mom fell for his act and thought he was such a dear…me? Oh no…I dont get played for a fool that easily! No siree.
I have my doubts but in the end my sentence is: 10 days and I will have an extraction procedure. This time we’re doing laughing gas which he clearly made note that he has never needed it before BUT if I must and truly think I’ll need it, then fine, he will accommodate.
Do we not hear “TONE” here?
I dont give a DANG that you think I’m naive and ridiculous! I am the one who goes home in torture and pain, NOT YOU! I will cry, pout and kick you if I want to.
Why? Cause to me, you look like THIS!
Yes, I know, a bit dramatic. In my mind, the dramatic is only an outward expression that lets the outsider in, giving them a glance at my most deep dark feelings, or not dark, they’re not always dark. Who needs to ask, I will most likely tell you everything you need to know…read between the dramatics… ::smile cue in sparkly sound::
So, just sharing for sharing sakes…this is my week in news. Cause my current events life is “sooooo” fascinating, clearly I couldnt leave out all you lovely people…all 4 of you…cause the other 90 went straight to my Keratin review…seems to be the money maker on this blog. ha!
Till then, I will swish swish medicated gargle in my mouth waiting for stupid infection to die and then the wonderful procedure of pulling teeth can take place in t-minus 9 days now.
May the odds be ever in our “teeth losers” favor…
Ok, so Im exaggerating a bit...a lot perhaps but you need to understand, I have been to the dentist only ONCE in my life before this fabulous event of this past week.
Luckily my family have inherited great dental structure and just plain good teeth for the most part. My mother has never needed to remove her wisdom teeth and my 32 year old brother neither.
My beautiful friend Stacy has found herself in a whirlwind romance and so now…we plan! T-Minus…10 days! Eep!
Coffee and I have a special love affair-I can not lie! Sometimes I think “No…no more-we must part…you’re not always good to me or for me” but then Coffee looks at me and says “If this is wrong…I dont wanna be right!” …and we find ourselves together again…Coffee and me…forever will be (hmm, I can make that into a song)
So when I was 4, I had a Unicorn named Russ! Why Russ? Cause the tag said Russ so I thought it was his name-I lost him when I grew up. This Valentine’s Day my too cute of a Momma found me this little guy whose tag reads-Russ! #Reunited!