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“I might be ok but Im not fine at all”

“Time won’t fly it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I´d like to be my old self again
But I’m still trying to find it…”

 

So much has happened in the last eight months, i dont know exactly, if I have processed it all…no, no…I know for sure I have not processed it all. Not even close! I am walking around everyday and I have come to the point where each day, Im okay…everything is…okay. Life is okay…but I am not fine at all…not by a long shot and everything in me wants to just be my old self but I dont know if I’ll find it or am meant to find “her” again. Perhaps as heart wrenching as this is, Im suppose to be a completely different person after this tumble dry Im going through. Im that lost sock just tumbling in the dryer, not found by it’s very confused owner who remembers putting both individuals of that pair in the dryer together.

Time does not stop, slow down…at all; not even for a second. I’m baffled by how time has flown by and continues to fly and I truly feel as though Im paralyzed and do not progress, evolve, move forward at all. Its quite irritating to tell you the truth. Everyone around me is moving, living and I feel stuck…well more trapped because as much as I desire and make small steps to change my circumstance, Im grabbed by my back collar like a Momma lion picking up her cub except shes more gentle, Im violently tossed back to where Ive been…to wait some more…

I have it better than many. Even my health issues are not nearly as severe or life altering as others who live in hospitals or are truly trapped in their body with no way out. I am very blessed. I have a wonderful home, an amazing parent, sibling. For how life has hit many in the last 5 years alone, we are lucky.

I have materialistically, outwardly everything I could need and THEN some, honestly…so why do I feel so lost and trapped? Why does my health hold me back from living? Why cant I just break myself out of this prison and fly? Birdcage 1BirdwithCage21

I remember when I was in high school, I was once told that I was in a cage, a bird cage with the door opened. I was there acting as though I were caged in, while all along, the door was open for me to just step out and fly. They continued to say after that “Fly…fly…”

I never forgot that. Interesting enough I love bird cages and have them in my room decor, jewelry, ect. It’s funny because looking back, it resonates so closely to my circumstances the last 15 years I could say. Sad, but true.

Okay, dumb reference but my mind is a vast and bizarre place to explore so this is what came to mind as an example. I think of that ridiculous movie that just came out “Warm Bodies”. I mean honestly! Vampires and Werewolves and Warlocks and Witches was done…what next? Zombie “love”? Anyway do not get me started on that; my point was, visualizing how from the commercials, all these zombies walking around practically lifeless while humans out there are living their lives. The dumb zombies I mean, not the creepy deformed ones I saw instantly attacking in the trailer. Just dumb, lifeless groaning zombies stumbling around aimlessly, really no destination…just…getting through another day, only taking care of basic needs.9781476717463_p0_v2_s260x420

I feel like many of us, cause I know there are so many out there walking around barely living life for x, y, z reason. While all around us, thousands surround us clueless and living their lives, living for their goals and ambitions.

I feel like that guy character from that movie. It’s as though he woke up to realize there was so much more, he was so much more. He didnt have to live this way.

Now the question? What do you do with that realization? All of your circumstances tell you “no!” You body tells you, “no” your mind tells you “no”, some people tell you “no”…

How do you snap out of it? What will it take?

Everyone around you has kind words, their own wisdom and two cents to chime in with but thats all they are, words. The work behind initiating the help is a huge intake and responsibility, so I dont blame them for sticking to their words and hoping someone else or something else will swoop in and do the job. So in the end, all that support is genuine lip service that still keeps and finds you today where you were yesterday.

So now what? I know many have contemplated more severe and painful measures…some have contemplated or succeeded ending their lives…but as tempting as the idea may seem, its not a solution. It doesnt solve anything. I believe the pain remains even after and one leaves much more pain behind. If you love anyone at all, it’s not justified to leave them in such pain and lack of closure. It’s not a solution…So one must ask themselves…myself, how do I snap out of it? The days, the weeks, the months and the years are passing like lightning and can not continue to look the same anymore. Arent you tired of it?

As much as many would like to bring up God as the means and life saver to grab unto in the tempest sea, or the dolphin ::I smirk:: who you just need to hold on to like Elian Gonzalez who, the dolphins required no effort from the boy but to just hold on as they took him to safety… (I know, my references, I warned you of this bizarre mind and thought process)

But here’s an honest moment…I’ve tried the waiting, leaning on God thing…and I have to ask myself; if that were the answer, how am I still here struggling? Which begs me to question, not that there is anything particularly wrong with God but that there must be something much deeper that I, myself need to deal with here. I cant rely as much as I have tired and wanted to, on God to just change me, change my life path, life circumstances, ailments. I have always swept my issues under the rug and waited thinking I was “leaning on God” and in the mean time live life in His service all in the name that “I let go and leaned on God” to fix and carry me. I am not saying God failed cause I dont think He’s the problem. Dont get me wrong, lets be honest and raw here, at one point, I did. I thought He was the problem and possibly wasnt even out there at all. Im still soul searching and working out all the details but in the end, I think I need to figure out the deeper issue here. I could lean on religion and routines and old habits (well technically I cant, cause everything, something in me wont let me anymore) but lets say, I could…the core issue and problem still remains. Something deeper is waiting for a face to face confrontation, duel…

The terms and phrases are sweet and encouraging and great…in theory… but obviously it has not worked for me all these years so now I face the frightening question…how now shall I live? (how now brown cow?)

What am I suppose to be learning and living out here?

Cause what was once a girl who thought to have everything figured out, all she had “figured out” has just broken into millions of pieces of rubble and ash and I sit in the middle of it all having NO clue what Im suppose to be doing now with this new reality.

Rain_26I sit in shades of darkness and catch glimpses of light here and there. I occasionally feel the rain and sometimes I feel God in the rain and other rain_by_borderkowa-d566nlftimes, only my tears feed the storm pouring above me and I wait…

A friend told me, requesting whole heartedly that at least, I fight. Not give up.

Writing this, being so raw and honest with complete strangers and some not so strangely acquainted with me, through many different levels in my life (those are the ones who scare me the most in regards to reading this) is perhaps a means of trying to fight. Getting these raw emotions out there for venting sake and nothing more.

Some dont know how to handle such raw emotions so it’s harder to divulge to the ones you love or love you in return. Will their view of you change? Did they truly love you at all…great way to test that out Im sure.

So whats the solution? Whats the conclusion? If kindred ones out there are reading this, I fear that I unfortunately as of yet do not have that answer…for you, for me.

We do need to talk about it. It needs to be said. The deepest and darkest of it…it needs to be shared and it needs to leave your chest so you catch a breathe.

1. Escaping to the capacity of leaving this current world, is not the solution. (in layman’s terms: suicide) It wont bring peace, I truly believe, the pain will follow. Your soul will be in such shock from it, whatever it is that happens after death. Leaving with such an ache and pain and sadness can not possibly find you free of it with such an escape.

bed-dark-girl-lonely-melancholy-sad-Favim_com-81316So, dont do it.

2. Find out how to let those feelings and the jumbled mess of emotions out! I am TERRIBLE at  verbally expressing my emotions, but once prompted, I can write it. Tonight, after 8 months, I was prompted for the third time. The first two times I have kept private but tonight after debating 10 different times since writing this whether or not to publish this…I am. Im going to share this with the world wide web..sheesh…no pressure.

3. Make itty bitty tiny decisions, goals…Goals seems like such a BIG, almost intimidating word. I need a smaller one…hmm…one moment…thesaurus time…

(elevator music)

google…searching thesaurus.com…goal…oof! ambition? mission? still too lofty…searching searching…objective?…i am NOT finding the word I mean to say here…ending search…paraphrasing…

(end elevator music)

K! Im back! Sooo, lets just say, mini appointments, ideas to see through for the next day. For example, little things that you know you can do, are easy really to you in this state of mind but still challenge you somewhat. My example being that tomorrow, I will say yes to setting my alarm to have coffee with a friend who has chased me down this week. My comfort zone wanted to say “no, stay in bed and hide”. I choose to make myself go out tomorrow. Now, I have had MANY times previous to this where I just said “Nope ::cough cough:: sorry, cant make it”. (I was genuine a lot of those times …I see the coming inquiries from some after that statement ::grin::) So dont feel bad if it takes you a while to get there. You didnt fail OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAcause you didnt get up today and do the one thing you wanted to try and do. One day, you will… and then many days later in a row you may not…then one day again…you will.

 

So…that’s all I got right now. 1, 2, and 3…Im still waiting …for freedom…for rubble to rebuild to something beautiful and hopeful again.

I have experienced many things these last 8 months…death of a loved one, death of my inner self, death of a career, death of  ideals, death simulated attacks on my body and spirit…ect…and I guess somewhere in me, theres gotta be some sort of “hope”…even in its most minuscule form…its there…and I’ll continue to wait, putting it out there in the universe and seeing what the effect of this cause produces. I’ll do 1 through 3 and wait for 4, 5, 6, and so on…

girl-happy-rain-rainy-days-smile-wet-Favim_com-71335

So there it is…it’s all I have today…tomorrow? Who knows. May be another few days, weeks, months till another eureka; dear God I hope not months, but its already been months and years…I guess whats a few more…positive outlook? Still working on that.

Go for a drive…stand in the rain…watch the stars…find an art project or craft of sorts to spend the time…journal…hope…

hope with me…

“Oh, these times are hard, yea theyre making us crazy, dont give up on me baby…”

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Music, ch-ch-changes & all that Jazz!

As most can see, it has been quite some time since I’ve blogged personally here. I have abandoned you O blog and have been occupied  with my job Blog (www.ihopmiami.org) where I have been blogging about my daily encounters and ponders while there in the prayer room.

That right there has been one of the big ch-ch-ch-changes in my life lately in the past few months.

I have abandoned this poor blog due to my career change, if you would call it that.

It’s crazy cause everything in me wanted to FLEE from my hometown. I was dreading the fast that “fate” had brought me back here; and for what!? I couldnt understand why I was back and what in the world I was going to do here.

Many may not understand this but I will share anyhow. All it took was 20 minutes sitting before the presence of the King (this awesome Man names Jesus) fully vulnerable and I knew what I had to do. I knew what I had to focus my time, affections and heart towards. All these months struggling desiring so desperately for direction, some sort of insight on what was next in my life.

First the first time in a while (perhaps almost 4 years -knew I was suppose to be in Kansas City without a shadow of a doubt) I finally knew with all confidence no matter what anyone said, I knew what I was suppose to do and what I was suppose to give myself to for however long, I’d stay in my hometown.

I kept trying to make things happen, figure it all out myself on my own. I wanted my dreams to happen now with my time clock and my way cause I didn’t trust He (My God) was doing it and doing it better than I ever could.)

Long story short, I joined the House of Prayer here and have been in the transition process ever since. Things have definitely had their ebb and flow moments here but I know all I can do is be faithful with the little and all else will fall into place.

While that craziness was going on something else kinda snuck up and bit me in the …leg…

What was once again a drifting dream just one day being joked about bloomed into a speedy reality! My bestfriend had a thought that perhaps we could work on making music together. I was busy with my new full time commitment I was not looking to over stuffing my plate. A month later a drummer boy lets say opened his mouth and between the two of them they began to seriously discuss our futures.

Next thing you know… A band was formed and music juices started flowing…and by His grace flowing fast!

Three people passionate about music lost our minds and decided, “what the hay, let’s do this!” My bestfriend’s idea was birthed and now, we are Mo[u]rning Comes! (www.twitter.com/mourningcomes & www.facebook.com/mourningcomes )

We’ve been in the music making/writing process and it’s been pretty awesome. We just had this weekend our first practice and my heart was overwhelmed with the reality that we were doing this and by golly it might just happen this time!

So that in short believe it or not is my update. I hope we’ll have stuff to show you all soon in regards to the band!

Thanks for all your reads, you guys rock! I know my posts are so random and not cohesive in themes but hey! I hear variety is good for the soul…I mean…I’m sure someone out there has said something along those lines! ::wink::

In the spirit of this blog, a tip!

Tip # 271

with things like FACEBOOK and “mutual friends” -guys and gals-Dont try and lie that you werent somewhere. Just comes clean, you’re gonna get caught thanks to Cousin Edith’s picture album on facebook!

Cheese and Crackers-I’m out!

::Coffee Shop Chat:: random thoughts in the life of…

It’s Saturday afternoon…a gorgeous Saturday afternoon might I add- and it’s I would say a pensive one at that. Have you had those moments where the day is just passing by as if it were a montage scene in a movie where the character is just doing a routine at home; washing clothes, eating breakfast, checking emails, chatting with house residents, ect…

Then you break out of the moment, take a breath and look at your surroundings. The fresh air dances around your sheer curtains, the sky between your slightly opened vertical blinds is a brilliant clear bright blue. The music plays in the background almost encouraging your movie moment. Your desires, hopes, goals seem more urgent, fervent. Things you want to do pile up in this overwhelming clutter in your head. I’m sorry, I’m speaking in code here I know, and if you’re waiting for the detailed point of all this, I apologize ahead because you really aren’t going to get it in a blog, if at all. (only because technically, we’re strangers and it just wouldn’t be appropriate…or sane. You understand right? It’s me AND you. Let us not tell lies here. ::wink and a chuckle:: forgive the melodramatics- they’re kicking in early).

It is just one of those days where life kinda paused for a moment and clarity, reality settled in. Choices we make and the reasons behind them. You try not to hold any feelings of anger towards how things have turned out or must be for now and look at the loved ones you are surrounded by and know they need you, are there for you.

Apart of you still wonders if this box you never seem to get out of will crack open a window or lend a friendly door leading towards forward movement.

Ok, after all the “poetic” babble, here’s plain English…

I want to get the heck out of MIAMI!  This place has a way of drowning you. I’ve grown up here most of my life thus far and then got to leave for 3 years to a place more Night than Miami’s Day. It was blissful. I don’t see myself going back to this place cause I was there for as long as I needed to be. As of now I’m in this limbo waiting for what’s next. The thing is, if you asked me, “Well, where do you want to go?” I wouldn’t have an answer for you. I’ve never really been anywhere else to know. I do at least know, I want to stay on the East Coast. Where on the East Coast is a “fabulous” question. I’ve never liked planning. I’ve always been more spontaneous. I’ve never wanted to plan even as far ahead as next weekend.

My philosophy is, “you never know”. You never know when something will come up. When someone will find the thing or place to be that day. Most people don’t really stick to their longer term commitments anyway and sadly, I’m a bit of a brat when it comes to doing something you said was going to be done. For example; If you said, “Hey, next month on the weekend of the (insert date here) we’re going to Orlando” or ” the museum” or whatever, and then that day comes and I’m all excited. Waited, remembered the exact day and time we were leaving, then the day comes and, “Just kidding, we’re not going…sorry…”

Yea, not much of a fan, so I don’t always plan far ahead.

My point was, that I’m waiting for life to surprise me. Take me on a adventure. There is definitely much I want to do, experience and see that the possibilities are endless.

Some of you might be saying, “Well, hey! Stop whining, and get out there! Just do it! Jump in and run around no apologies!”

Here’s the thing. I do know this much. With everything I want to do and see; I don’t want or need Empty Ventures. I dont want or need Empty rooms full of people. I don’t want or need long Empty evenings masking hurt, doubt, confusion, unanswered question, shaky foundations.

When I do get out there and find adventure (if that’s whats in the cards for me) I want to walk away from each and every experience feeling that thing you feel when you turn around facing where you have just been and Sigh with a crooked smile. Knowing inside that you’ll always carry that day, that 5 second moment, that place in that Life collage stored away where only you access and choose to share.

Any-hoo … It’s a beautiful day and I must take advantage of it. I hope you all enjoy yours.

tip# 235 If he is Not worth your time, Why are you letting him occupy your thoughts and emotions over and over and over…

LIFE … cope with the unexpected

Let’s Get Personal


Normally, I am pretty general about blog topics and keep things less “personal” but I have a lot on my mind and to write is healing for me.

I will try and not bore ya’ll too much and incorporate many pretty, interesting or at least relevant PICTURES! yay!

Life… What a vast topic. Each life it’s own with it’s own experiences (never two the same) and all it’s intricate dynamics. How to cope with the unexpected. Sudden unexpected? No… this is more about LIFE not turning out so far as you thought, hoped, dreamed it to be.

<~~~~ LOOK at this poor fella’. I know him, cause I WAS him. Straight out of High School I attempted the 9-5 for 5 years. It was a necessity. But my heart’s goal to be involved somehow in the Arts (performing) never ceased. It was always there and strong.

From the moment I stepped into a Theater and on stage I realized that not only I could do this, but that I LOVED it, it was over! I had to be in this world of Music, Theater, Film, Dance and all!

Throughout the years I dabbled in all of them.

When my 5 years were up and realized how miserable I was, I left to make a change!

I auditioned and searched for all sorts of opportunities.

I attempted to study theater twice.

I enrolled in Film School.

Here’s a funny one. My best friend and I were convinced we were gonna be Rock Stars. (wow, there must be a pattern, cause now that I think of it, my high school best friend and I thought we’d be a Pop Duo. We auditioned for labels and all ::chuckles to self::)

Seriously though, we were serious. We both always wrote songs but none of us knew how to play any instruments. Sadly in Miami it’s not common to find young people who take the time to learn instruments. Here it’s all about having a “rap” career. I wont even attempt to get into that.

So we thought “LETS LEARN INSTRUMENTS” ::sighs:: Aww, how cute and NAIVE were we? She wanted to be a Drummer and I a guitarist. Hey! We were trying to be committed. I bought my first guitar and goodies (she was a Yamaha kit you buy at Guitar Center; her name was Betty) and she was given a Drum Set!

Now if only we could have found teachers to teach us how to play them, we might have been on to something more substantial than just a Band Name! (which I will not reveal!)

MUSIC has always been a HUGE passion in my heart and life. O but fear. That tricky, sneaky toxic thing. Fear of sucking. Fear that brings those insecurities that you’re not good enough. Fear holds people back. Fear is meant to trip you especially while you’re skipping in that pretty little meadow.

So what happened? How at 26, is life looking NOTHING like I thought it would by now?

Anyone out there feeling this? Its crazy how bright eyed and hopeful you are when you’re younger, in High School.

Then the real world happens. Graduation, bills, thinking of the future provision for your Life. Next thing you know, years have past and you’re only living to live each day.

I have been RIDON-CULOUSLY blessed to have a Mother who has bent over backwards to support my whims, my dreams, my struggles. She’s always been there as a single mother of two (I have an older brother who got into a car accident when he was 13 and she needs to help support him) always been there finding ways no matter what to support this small family of ours.

All the money in the world, couldn’t repay what she’s done time and time again for me. (physically, financially, and emotionally) I love her- and hope for the day when she no longer has to struggle and may relax, enjoy life more.

(pause:: Wow. I wasn’t kidding when I said I was getting personal. Practically writing a book here…with pictures! like a comic book…but not…anyway, back to the story) ::wink::

It really sucks having so many passions. Makes it so much harder to choose which one to focus on.

And I will admit, I’m not HA-mazing at any one particular. I’m averagely good at all of them. Quick to pick up things. So even more so, there’s no obvious choice here either.

I spent three years in Kansas City, MO finding perspective.

I found it. It changed my life for the better. But here’s the funny thing about finding perspective…once you’ve found the great “EUREKA” the next step is Living, Walking out perspective on our day to day life…

::cricket cricket:: Yea…totally easier said than done! So now I have returned home and thought, “Now What?”

Nothing has really turned out the way I expected. How to cope with “What’s Next?”

It dawned on me, “hey, I like hair and makeup. I’ve always played around and dabbled here and there. Instead of getting a back up degree; fall back plan in Business (snore!) go to Cosmetology school!”

The plan seemed genius. So now, I’m in a Paul Mitchell school, which is awesome… (I know I know, you feel a “but” coming on)

wait for it… Fear

I’m scared that I’ll have to be amazing in hair cause this may be what I’m stuck doing and I’ll never make music, act, write, direct, ect…

I started facing the possibility that my fall back plan was my “IT” plan and I wonder – How do I cope with that BIG unexpected?

I reminisced the other day and opened my high school year book. One year I was in a few pages cause I was in the Thespian Society (Drama Club) and I had a quote with my picture on one page. It took my breathe. I didn’t remember till that moment that I did say what I said for that interview. My heart almost wanted to cry cause I was so sure back then.

H.S. quote:

“Everything I want to do in the future has to do with drama, and I want experience in the field. Also, when I first started drama, it changed my perspective on life.”

hmm…Perspective… So… LIFE – how to cope with the unexpected?

To be honest, I’m still figuring that out for myself. Some days, I’m in control and blending with life. Other days, I get my internal break downs. (Hey I’m Artistic, I can afford to be more “life ending” dramatic ::smirk::)

Zion (my current Martin Guitar someone anonymously gave me) and I are trying to persevere, self teaching and documenting.

Yes, I know I am still young. One day though when I’m ready to settle down, it would have been nice to have experienced certain things already.

So, there it is. I have shared WAY too much with the strangers out in WiFi land but like I said, writing is healing for me. I am TERRIBLE at verbally expressing myself but in writing…sheer perfection. The emotional outlet not the writing; I know the writing’s not perfect!

Well thank you for bearing if you did. As they all say, Persevere, never give up hoping, dreaming. Dream big even… LIFE is unexpected, we can’t change that; even the craziest of  control freaks can’t change that.

It is our choice whether or not we’ll take the unexpected and let it break us or change our perspective and view it as an adventure. So kick fear in the rear! (::giggles:: I didn’t rhyme on purpose; and yes I know I’m cheesy) and Dont Give up!

“You’re all beautiful and I’m here all week! Thank You New York! and GOODNIGHT!”

tip# 764 on a stage performance, make sure your duet partner didn’t eat corn nuts before your kissing scene! yuck!

Hugs! 😉