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“I might be ok but Im not fine at all”

“Time won’t fly it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I´d like to be my old self again
But I’m still trying to find it…”

 

So much has happened in the last eight months, i dont know exactly, if I have processed it all…no, no…I know for sure I have not processed it all. Not even close! I am walking around everyday and I have come to the point where each day, Im okay…everything is…okay. Life is okay…but I am not fine at all…not by a long shot and everything in me wants to just be my old self but I dont know if I’ll find it or am meant to find “her” again. Perhaps as heart wrenching as this is, Im suppose to be a completely different person after this tumble dry Im going through. Im that lost sock just tumbling in the dryer, not found by it’s very confused owner who remembers putting both individuals of that pair in the dryer together.

Time does not stop, slow down…at all; not even for a second. I’m baffled by how time has flown by and continues to fly and I truly feel as though Im paralyzed and do not progress, evolve, move forward at all. Its quite irritating to tell you the truth. Everyone around me is moving, living and I feel stuck…well more trapped because as much as I desire and make small steps to change my circumstance, Im grabbed by my back collar like a Momma lion picking up her cub except shes more gentle, Im violently tossed back to where Ive been…to wait some more…

I have it better than many. Even my health issues are not nearly as severe or life altering as others who live in hospitals or are truly trapped in their body with no way out. I am very blessed. I have a wonderful home, an amazing parent, sibling. For how life has hit many in the last 5 years alone, we are lucky.

I have materialistically, outwardly everything I could need and THEN some, honestly…so why do I feel so lost and trapped? Why does my health hold me back from living? Why cant I just break myself out of this prison and fly? Birdcage 1BirdwithCage21

I remember when I was in high school, I was once told that I was in a cage, a bird cage with the door opened. I was there acting as though I were caged in, while all along, the door was open for me to just step out and fly. They continued to say after that “Fly…fly…”

I never forgot that. Interesting enough I love bird cages and have them in my room decor, jewelry, ect. It’s funny because looking back, it resonates so closely to my circumstances the last 15 years I could say. Sad, but true.

Okay, dumb reference but my mind is a vast and bizarre place to explore so this is what came to mind as an example. I think of that ridiculous movie that just came out “Warm Bodies”. I mean honestly! Vampires and Werewolves and Warlocks and Witches was done…what next? Zombie “love”? Anyway do not get me started on that; my point was, visualizing how from the commercials, all these zombies walking around practically lifeless while humans out there are living their lives. The dumb zombies I mean, not the creepy deformed ones I saw instantly attacking in the trailer. Just dumb, lifeless groaning zombies stumbling around aimlessly, really no destination…just…getting through another day, only taking care of basic needs.9781476717463_p0_v2_s260x420

I feel like many of us, cause I know there are so many out there walking around barely living life for x, y, z reason. While all around us, thousands surround us clueless and living their lives, living for their goals and ambitions.

I feel like that guy character from that movie. It’s as though he woke up to realize there was so much more, he was so much more. He didnt have to live this way.

Now the question? What do you do with that realization? All of your circumstances tell you “no!” You body tells you, “no” your mind tells you “no”, some people tell you “no”…

How do you snap out of it? What will it take?

Everyone around you has kind words, their own wisdom and two cents to chime in with but thats all they are, words. The work behind initiating the help is a huge intake and responsibility, so I dont blame them for sticking to their words and hoping someone else or something else will swoop in and do the job. So in the end, all that support is genuine lip service that still keeps and finds you today where you were yesterday.

So now what? I know many have contemplated more severe and painful measures…some have contemplated or succeeded ending their lives…but as tempting as the idea may seem, its not a solution. It doesnt solve anything. I believe the pain remains even after and one leaves much more pain behind. If you love anyone at all, it’s not justified to leave them in such pain and lack of closure. It’s not a solution…So one must ask themselves…myself, how do I snap out of it? The days, the weeks, the months and the years are passing like lightning and can not continue to look the same anymore. Arent you tired of it?

As much as many would like to bring up God as the means and life saver to grab unto in the tempest sea, or the dolphin ::I smirk:: who you just need to hold on to like Elian Gonzalez who, the dolphins required no effort from the boy but to just hold on as they took him to safety… (I know, my references, I warned you of this bizarre mind and thought process)

But here’s an honest moment…I’ve tried the waiting, leaning on God thing…and I have to ask myself; if that were the answer, how am I still here struggling? Which begs me to question, not that there is anything particularly wrong with God but that there must be something much deeper that I, myself need to deal with here. I cant rely as much as I have tired and wanted to, on God to just change me, change my life path, life circumstances, ailments. I have always swept my issues under the rug and waited thinking I was “leaning on God” and in the mean time live life in His service all in the name that “I let go and leaned on God” to fix and carry me. I am not saying God failed cause I dont think He’s the problem. Dont get me wrong, lets be honest and raw here, at one point, I did. I thought He was the problem and possibly wasnt even out there at all. Im still soul searching and working out all the details but in the end, I think I need to figure out the deeper issue here. I could lean on religion and routines and old habits (well technically I cant, cause everything, something in me wont let me anymore) but lets say, I could…the core issue and problem still remains. Something deeper is waiting for a face to face confrontation, duel…

The terms and phrases are sweet and encouraging and great…in theory… but obviously it has not worked for me all these years so now I face the frightening question…how now shall I live? (how now brown cow?)

What am I suppose to be learning and living out here?

Cause what was once a girl who thought to have everything figured out, all she had “figured out” has just broken into millions of pieces of rubble and ash and I sit in the middle of it all having NO clue what Im suppose to be doing now with this new reality.

Rain_26I sit in shades of darkness and catch glimpses of light here and there. I occasionally feel the rain and sometimes I feel God in the rain and other rain_by_borderkowa-d566nlftimes, only my tears feed the storm pouring above me and I wait…

A friend told me, requesting whole heartedly that at least, I fight. Not give up.

Writing this, being so raw and honest with complete strangers and some not so strangely acquainted with me, through many different levels in my life (those are the ones who scare me the most in regards to reading this) is perhaps a means of trying to fight. Getting these raw emotions out there for venting sake and nothing more.

Some dont know how to handle such raw emotions so it’s harder to divulge to the ones you love or love you in return. Will their view of you change? Did they truly love you at all…great way to test that out Im sure.

So whats the solution? Whats the conclusion? If kindred ones out there are reading this, I fear that I unfortunately as of yet do not have that answer…for you, for me.

We do need to talk about it. It needs to be said. The deepest and darkest of it…it needs to be shared and it needs to leave your chest so you catch a breathe.

1. Escaping to the capacity of leaving this current world, is not the solution. (in layman’s terms: suicide) It wont bring peace, I truly believe, the pain will follow. Your soul will be in such shock from it, whatever it is that happens after death. Leaving with such an ache and pain and sadness can not possibly find you free of it with such an escape.

bed-dark-girl-lonely-melancholy-sad-Favim_com-81316So, dont do it.

2. Find out how to let those feelings and the jumbled mess of emotions out! I am TERRIBLE at  verbally expressing my emotions, but once prompted, I can write it. Tonight, after 8 months, I was prompted for the third time. The first two times I have kept private but tonight after debating 10 different times since writing this whether or not to publish this…I am. Im going to share this with the world wide web..sheesh…no pressure.

3. Make itty bitty tiny decisions, goals…Goals seems like such a BIG, almost intimidating word. I need a smaller one…hmm…one moment…thesaurus time…

(elevator music)

google…searching thesaurus.com…goal…oof! ambition? mission? still too lofty…searching searching…objective?…i am NOT finding the word I mean to say here…ending search…paraphrasing…

(end elevator music)

K! Im back! Sooo, lets just say, mini appointments, ideas to see through for the next day. For example, little things that you know you can do, are easy really to you in this state of mind but still challenge you somewhat. My example being that tomorrow, I will say yes to setting my alarm to have coffee with a friend who has chased me down this week. My comfort zone wanted to say “no, stay in bed and hide”. I choose to make myself go out tomorrow. Now, I have had MANY times previous to this where I just said “Nope ::cough cough:: sorry, cant make it”. (I was genuine a lot of those times …I see the coming inquiries from some after that statement ::grin::) So dont feel bad if it takes you a while to get there. You didnt fail OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAcause you didnt get up today and do the one thing you wanted to try and do. One day, you will… and then many days later in a row you may not…then one day again…you will.

 

So…that’s all I got right now. 1, 2, and 3…Im still waiting …for freedom…for rubble to rebuild to something beautiful and hopeful again.

I have experienced many things these last 8 months…death of a loved one, death of my inner self, death of a career, death of  ideals, death simulated attacks on my body and spirit…ect…and I guess somewhere in me, theres gotta be some sort of “hope”…even in its most minuscule form…its there…and I’ll continue to wait, putting it out there in the universe and seeing what the effect of this cause produces. I’ll do 1 through 3 and wait for 4, 5, 6, and so on…

girl-happy-rain-rainy-days-smile-wet-Favim_com-71335

So there it is…it’s all I have today…tomorrow? Who knows. May be another few days, weeks, months till another eureka; dear God I hope not months, but its already been months and years…I guess whats a few more…positive outlook? Still working on that.

Go for a drive…stand in the rain…watch the stars…find an art project or craft of sorts to spend the time…journal…hope…

hope with me…

“Oh, these times are hard, yea theyre making us crazy, dont give up on me baby…”

Day 2 and things are raging…

Day 2 of what? I began a speech fast…”a what?” …a speech fast. “What is that and why in the world would you do that?!” one may ask.

Speech Fast: Fasting (refraining from) speaking….period…

Why?

Back in August I received a very deep personal Word at OHOP (Orlando House of Prayer). One of the things spoken was a deep, deep time of consecration, a deep intimacy season, lifestyle and encounter. That was confirmation already to something I had already began to feel the tug towards. Since then I had been waiting for the beginning of that Consecration to begin and it had not yet. It’s October and going back to OHOP felt like the gun shot in the beginning of a runner’s race.

I am strongly feeling tug AND direction. There was something more costly He was asking of me.

This is something that during my internship the Lord stirred in some leadership’s hearts in KC. We were strongly advised NOT to do it. This is a very rare and focused fast that has to be impressed by the Holy Spirit.
Some of the interns still walked into it. I wanted to cause in theory it sounded wise and beneficial, but the understanding, true desire and grace of the Holy Spirit leading it was not there. I thought I would never do one cause it just wasnt for me.
I have asked for months for the Lord to make me Slow to Speak, Quick to Listen and Slow to get Angry… (James 1:19) and I have felt lately that my thoughts and speech need to be refined. I want to not be wordy but speak as a wise man; few words but his words have weight and truth dripping like myrrh.

The Way of the Heart by Henri Nowen (internship book) says:

“Are any of the things we think, say or do worth saying, thinking, or doing?

“Take (away) all the distractions; books, music, calls, friends…complete solitude – naked and sit till all the ugly thoughts, images get tired and go away.”

“In solitude we become compassionate people, deeply aware of our weakness.”

“Silence: (the question to ask ourselves) “IF he/she is not edified by my silence, he/she will not be edified by my speech”. Silence teaches us to speak! Even speaking too many “holy” words isnt safe. The wise restrains his lips! (Prov. 10:19)

When we become wordy when ministering, we have a lack of faith and think we need to help God by our many words; convince others of His power. But it’s what precisely quenches the fire (Vincent Van Gogh) Silence of heart is what makes the difference.”

______________________________

So here I am, Day 2 and already everything in me wants to scream, chat, counsel, vent, judge, ect…All sorts of refining tactics have already begun.

Today I was given some TERRIBLE customer service and I felt the need to do what worked in the past once. I wanted to write the franchise and complain and make my plea for better service. The entire time I was writing them , I felt to not send it and turn the other cheek and let Him (Jesus) take care of it.

(for some who may wonder and not fully understand what I mean by that; well Jesus is coming back to establish Justice and make all the wrong things right-it’s the truest of true fairy tales except its not, its Truth; hence He’s asked to let vengeance be His.)

Sitting in the prayer room it came up and I knew that most likely they’d write and I’d get a coupon and see changes happen. I began to think how easily we can yes, attempt to take injustice into our own hands and turn away from what He tells us and see results physically before our eyes when we take matters in our hands. This is what has made it so difficult to lean on Him. To believe that He is coming back to avenge EVERY single one (none is insignificant) thing done against His bride cause He’s a Man in love and zeal consumes His heart for His bride and Jealous Jealousy is our Abba in Heaven.

I just need to love, turn the other cheek and bless my offenders! The complete opposite of what this world tells us cause we’re obsessed with having rights!

If you died with Christ Jesus (chosen to love and live for Him for all eternity that is) then you are dead…you have no Rights! (as Rhonda Calhoun this weekend mentioned) We have anything, life only because He lives now in us and gives us life and breath…

This is the small process today… will update on further adventures through out this journey!

Grace and hope for great encounters with Him today over all of you. Hoping is knowing it to be. I have hope because I know it can and will be done…amen!