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“I might be ok but Im not fine at all”

“Time won’t fly it’s like I’m paralyzed by it
I´d like to be my old self again
But I’m still trying to find it…”


So much has happened in the last eight months, i dont know exactly, if I have processed it all…no, no…I know for sure I have not processed it all. Not even close! I am walking around everyday and I have come to the point where each day, Im okay…everything is…okay. Life is okay…but I am not fine at all…not by a long shot and everything in me wants to just be my old self but I dont know if I’ll find it or am meant to find “her” again. Perhaps as heart wrenching as this is, Im suppose to be a completely different person after this tumble dry Im going through. Im that lost sock just tumbling in the dryer, not found by it’s very confused owner who remembers putting both individuals of that pair in the dryer together.

Time does not stop, slow down…at all; not even for a second. I’m baffled by how time has flown by and continues to fly and I truly feel as though Im paralyzed and do not progress, evolve, move forward at all. Its quite irritating to tell you the truth. Everyone around me is moving, living and I feel stuck…well more trapped because as much as I desire and make small steps to change my circumstance, Im grabbed by my back collar like a Momma lion picking up her cub except shes more gentle, Im violently tossed back to where Ive been…to wait some more…

I have it better than many. Even my health issues are not nearly as severe or life altering as others who live in hospitals or are truly trapped in their body with no way out. I am very blessed. I have a wonderful home, an amazing parent, sibling. For how life has hit many in the last 5 years alone, we are lucky.

I have materialistically, outwardly everything I could need and THEN some, honestly…so why do I feel so lost and trapped? Why does my health hold me back from living? Why cant I just break myself out of this prison and fly? Birdcage 1BirdwithCage21

I remember when I was in high school, I was once told that I was in a cage, a bird cage with the door opened. I was there acting as though I were caged in, while all along, the door was open for me to just step out and fly. They continued to say after that “Fly…fly…”

I never forgot that. Interesting enough I love bird cages and have them in my room decor, jewelry, ect. It’s funny because looking back, it resonates so closely to my circumstances the last 15 years I could say. Sad, but true.

Okay, dumb reference but my mind is a vast and bizarre place to explore so this is what came to mind as an example. I think of that ridiculous movie that just came out “Warm Bodies”. I mean honestly! Vampires and Werewolves and Warlocks and Witches was done…what next? Zombie “love”? Anyway do not get me started on that; my point was, visualizing how from the commercials, all these zombies walking around practically lifeless while humans out there are living their lives. The dumb zombies I mean, not the creepy deformed ones I saw instantly attacking in the trailer. Just dumb, lifeless groaning zombies stumbling around aimlessly, really no destination…just…getting through another day, only taking care of basic needs.9781476717463_p0_v2_s260x420

I feel like many of us, cause I know there are so many out there walking around barely living life for x, y, z reason. While all around us, thousands surround us clueless and living their lives, living for their goals and ambitions.

I feel like that guy character from that movie. It’s as though he woke up to realize there was so much more, he was so much more. He didnt have to live this way.

Now the question? What do you do with that realization? All of your circumstances tell you “no!” You body tells you, “no” your mind tells you “no”, some people tell you “no”…

How do you snap out of it? What will it take?

Everyone around you has kind words, their own wisdom and two cents to chime in with but thats all they are, words. The work behind initiating the help is a huge intake and responsibility, so I dont blame them for sticking to their words and hoping someone else or something else will swoop in and do the job. So in the end, all that support is genuine lip service that still keeps and finds you today where you were yesterday.

So now what? I know many have contemplated more severe and painful measures…some have contemplated or succeeded ending their lives…but as tempting as the idea may seem, its not a solution. It doesnt solve anything. I believe the pain remains even after and one leaves much more pain behind. If you love anyone at all, it’s not justified to leave them in such pain and lack of closure. It’s not a solution…So one must ask themselves…myself, how do I snap out of it? The days, the weeks, the months and the years are passing like lightning and can not continue to look the same anymore. Arent you tired of it?

As much as many would like to bring up God as the means and life saver to grab unto in the tempest sea, or the dolphin ::I smirk:: who you just need to hold on to like Elian Gonzalez who, the dolphins required no effort from the boy but to just hold on as they took him to safety… (I know, my references, I warned you of this bizarre mind and thought process)

But here’s an honest moment…I’ve tried the waiting, leaning on God thing…and I have to ask myself; if that were the answer, how am I still here struggling? Which begs me to question, not that there is anything particularly wrong with God but that there must be something much deeper that I, myself need to deal with here. I cant rely as much as I have tired and wanted to, on God to just change me, change my life path, life circumstances, ailments. I have always swept my issues under the rug and waited thinking I was “leaning on God” and in the mean time live life in His service all in the name that “I let go and leaned on God” to fix and carry me. I am not saying God failed cause I dont think He’s the problem. Dont get me wrong, lets be honest and raw here, at one point, I did. I thought He was the problem and possibly wasnt even out there at all. Im still soul searching and working out all the details but in the end, I think I need to figure out the deeper issue here. I could lean on religion and routines and old habits (well technically I cant, cause everything, something in me wont let me anymore) but lets say, I could…the core issue and problem still remains. Something deeper is waiting for a face to face confrontation, duel…

The terms and phrases are sweet and encouraging and great…in theory… but obviously it has not worked for me all these years so now I face the frightening question…how now shall I live? (how now brown cow?)

What am I suppose to be learning and living out here?

Cause what was once a girl who thought to have everything figured out, all she had “figured out” has just broken into millions of pieces of rubble and ash and I sit in the middle of it all having NO clue what Im suppose to be doing now with this new reality.

Rain_26I sit in shades of darkness and catch glimpses of light here and there. I occasionally feel the rain and sometimes I feel God in the rain and other rain_by_borderkowa-d566nlftimes, only my tears feed the storm pouring above me and I wait…

A friend told me, requesting whole heartedly that at least, I fight. Not give up.

Writing this, being so raw and honest with complete strangers and some not so strangely acquainted with me, through many different levels in my life (those are the ones who scare me the most in regards to reading this) is perhaps a means of trying to fight. Getting these raw emotions out there for venting sake and nothing more.

Some dont know how to handle such raw emotions so it’s harder to divulge to the ones you love or love you in return. Will their view of you change? Did they truly love you at all…great way to test that out Im sure.

So whats the solution? Whats the conclusion? If kindred ones out there are reading this, I fear that I unfortunately as of yet do not have that answer…for you, for me.

We do need to talk about it. It needs to be said. The deepest and darkest of it…it needs to be shared and it needs to leave your chest so you catch a breathe.

1. Escaping to the capacity of leaving this current world, is not the solution. (in layman’s terms: suicide) It wont bring peace, I truly believe, the pain will follow. Your soul will be in such shock from it, whatever it is that happens after death. Leaving with such an ache and pain and sadness can not possibly find you free of it with such an escape.

bed-dark-girl-lonely-melancholy-sad-Favim_com-81316So, dont do it.

2. Find out how to let those feelings and the jumbled mess of emotions out! I am TERRIBLE at  verbally expressing my emotions, but once prompted, I can write it. Tonight, after 8 months, I was prompted for the third time. The first two times I have kept private but tonight after debating 10 different times since writing this whether or not to publish this…I am. Im going to share this with the world wide web..sheesh…no pressure.

3. Make itty bitty tiny decisions, goals…Goals seems like such a BIG, almost intimidating word. I need a smaller one…hmm…one moment…thesaurus time…

(elevator music)

google…searching…goal…oof! ambition? mission? still too lofty…searching searching…objective?…i am NOT finding the word I mean to say here…ending search…paraphrasing…

(end elevator music)

K! Im back! Sooo, lets just say, mini appointments, ideas to see through for the next day. For example, little things that you know you can do, are easy really to you in this state of mind but still challenge you somewhat. My example being that tomorrow, I will say yes to setting my alarm to have coffee with a friend who has chased me down this week. My comfort zone wanted to say “no, stay in bed and hide”. I choose to make myself go out tomorrow. Now, I have had MANY times previous to this where I just said “Nope ::cough cough:: sorry, cant make it”. (I was genuine a lot of those times …I see the coming inquiries from some after that statement ::grin::) So dont feel bad if it takes you a while to get there. You didnt fail OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAcause you didnt get up today and do the one thing you wanted to try and do. One day, you will… and then many days later in a row you may not…then one day again…you will.


So…that’s all I got right now. 1, 2, and 3…Im still waiting …for freedom…for rubble to rebuild to something beautiful and hopeful again.

I have experienced many things these last 8 months…death of a loved one, death of my inner self, death of a career, death of  ideals, death simulated attacks on my body and spirit…ect…and I guess somewhere in me, theres gotta be some sort of “hope”…even in its most minuscule form…its there…and I’ll continue to wait, putting it out there in the universe and seeing what the effect of this cause produces. I’ll do 1 through 3 and wait for 4, 5, 6, and so on…


So there it is…it’s all I have today…tomorrow? Who knows. May be another few days, weeks, months till another eureka; dear God I hope not months, but its already been months and years…I guess whats a few more…positive outlook? Still working on that.

Go for a drive…stand in the rain…watch the stars…find an art project or craft of sorts to spend the time…journal…hope…

hope with me…

“Oh, these times are hard, yea theyre making us crazy, dont give up on me baby…”


Back to Normal…

Today’s one of those days. After many events in your life have occurred and left you slumped down against a wall with some dirt on your face,  you’re exhausted.

It was a battle. In the end, you won! But after a war, theres blood and things look …well a mess. It’s absorbing the truth of your victory while looking at the mess the war left behind and being left with mixed feelings at first. Then you are told and know you must…well, get back to normal.

Normal…well what does normal look like now? Is Normal now not what Normal then used to be. Is it that it is not or simply that it cant be. Things have been altered. Events have changed. People have changed. I have changed. So now what? What does getting back to “normal” look like?

Something that unraveled in a matter of days and days later it was over, my goodness left such an aftermath to deal with. Maintenance of this new reality thats the new normal requires work. But Im exhausted. I just want to check-out for days and then deal with this new reality…can I?

Nope…cause reality awaits. I mean if I was really emotionally unstable and out of it, I could irrationally run away somewhere right now; but then what? This new found reality that needs work still awaits me when I return. So really…deal with it now and get the “start” over with so it can quickly become the new norm or delay it?

Remember that Gweneth Paltrow and Ben Afflick movie “Sliding Doors”?

Events of life that could change everything. All it took were seconds, one minute or two and it changed possibly a whole course of events that changed completely someones life…Interesting huh?

So waiting or facing it now…it feels kinda like that. If I delay, would it really benefit? What would my tomorrows look like if I would run away and become an ostrich who sticks its head in the sand in fear…

Is it in fear or do they really just like the dark suffocating aspect of their heads in a hole…does it get uncomfortable for their necks? Anyway…I digress.


Here I am choosing to plug my ears with tunes and blog for the world wide web to have fun as they read my personal thoughts. Only slightly more than surface deep cause truthfully, its not wise to share deep dark secrets and emotions with not just strangers but…well…the internet; more than strangers.
I have a good friend; we’ve known each other for a long time now. We were chatting today about the benefits of journal-ing (why is that not a word lol). Anyway, everyone needs to journal.  I dont believe thats a male or female thing or even a personality type thing. The “pensive” or “artsy”…everyone has emotions they are or are not good at expressing. The deep stuff that only few in your life could truly get, embrace and direct through.
Okay, funny random observation through a guilty pleasure. Oh boy cant believe Im about to admit this publicly. (Im big on per-qualifiers before getting to my point) Some of you may laugh after I say this thinking, “that was it?”Anyway no more dragging out, my point…

So I was watching…”The Bachelorette”. Do not ask me why but I just become fascinated watching these people who truly believe they could find “love” on this type of setting. Exceptions “maybe” but definitely not the rule. Over 20 attempts of the Bachelor and Bachelorette and maybe, Maybe! only 3 successful couples?

So I definitely dont watch it to be a “romantic” who loves good sap, cause well…I am who…uh does. I like watching it cause I have always just had a knack for watching relational dynamics between men and women and reading into situations and people in those situations well. I feel like these shows have been fun side research. ::chuckle in public at coffee shop::

So my point…I was watching the finale of one season and apparently the current “Bachelorette” encouraged one of her “guys” to keep a journal through out their process. In the end he wasnt chosen. He was runner up and at the confrontation the journal was mentioned. At that moment I thought, “Huh! Yes…that was genius and I wouldnt have pegged him as the journal writing type. Now I dont believe he did either till she encouraged him and apparently he went to town those 8 weeks writing away every experience and emotion.

I believe everyone hides a certain part of themselves that NO ONE sees. Even when married I believe there might still be a small 5% held back (granted Im speaking of a good, healthy marriage for those of you who scoffed).

There’s parts of ourselves we keep inside. Even talkative people who wear their heart on their sleeves hold aspects of their feelings no one else sees. Even for me, I have a good growing relationship with God and my deep emotions I only trust to Him. I know He will listen and love me so I can be open with Him.

Even still with that, journaling has saved me so many times. For me, I know it’s also due to the fact that I express myself better through writing than verbally. (emotionally not meaning literary wise)

Its always interesting going back a year or 2, 3 or 10 re-reading journals from the past and seeing myself then, in those shoes and reading what I felt. Its great for perspective and motivation for further visioning. So all that to say…I encourage for all to keep current journals.

Why did I start this rant? ….one moment…scrolling up….O right…well I think I made my point. So…moving on!
Back to Normal…

What does that look like? How does one regroup? Well for me…this blog/journal entry helped get some random thoughts out. I feel like I can take a breath and exhale now.

To conclude…this past week kinda sucked but the light I have most definitely seen at the end of the tunnel. The war was won on our side and now is just the cleaning up and maintenance of the win. I will face it now and take steps forward. It is the best decision as I journal about it through the journey.
What ever you are going through momentarily, journal about it. Get the emotions out. Then…tell someone you trust can care for your emotions well. Have someone who can help you see the bigger picture that sometimes we ourselves can not see when we’re in it.

Thats my advice today. Till the next one readers…


This Months Ventures!

Out of the Box and familiar Comforts…

Circuit Riders…what’s a Circuit Rider?

“In 1703 a hero was born and because of this man the world would never be the same. From the time that John Wesley’s heart would be “strangely warmed” to his dying day, he never stopped his tireless work of revival and reformation! Out of his heart was birthed a movement called the Methodist revival, and this move of encountering God, deep devotion through the spiritual disciplines, and great exploits among the poor and the lost would explode in the western world leaving an indelible mark.

The Lord directed us to this piece of history and the stories of these men to inspire us to start the School of the Circuit Rider…The Lord began to speak to us about His desire to release wide-eyed revivalists again who would carry the message of the simple Gospel to the nations of the earth. Out of our study and ongoing guidance from God, the School of the Circuit Rider was birthed in July of 2011”.

Orlando is the first 2012 School of the Circuit Riders 2 week training. There are 6 locations worldwide in total. I have been in Orlando attending the training for a week now. Today was our day off and tomorrow bright and early we venture off back to our crazy action-packed schedule. This whole process has been difficult, amazing, provoking, freeing, crazy, nerve-wrecking, great, tiresome, and wonderful all at the same time. And as I mentioned earlier, that’s just week one! We still have a full week to go!

It’s been enlightening to understand I am not an Evangelist and how that’s okay. What is not okay is that I never speak to anyone about Jesus. Not all are Evangelists but Jesus commanded us all to spread the good news about what He did for every living human being who He breathed life into. (Mark 16:15) There was a line in the Culture of Revival book we received yesterday as part of our curriculum:

“When we realize that sin is only robbing us of all that Jesus died for, then we begin to step into joyful repentance.”

The part that caught my attention was, “…only robbing us of all that Jesus died for…” He didn’t do this for nothing! We are squandering our lives and almost spitting on why He died and what He did which was He did so we wouldn’t have to live fighting darkness, sin, lies and death any longer. Granted, we are but dust, we’re broken, weak human beings which surprises us more than it does the all knowing Creator of all creation so He loves us through the process and has patience with us, guiding us to Forever.

This past week has been giving me clearer perspective that I need to see people with His eyes more. I need to feel the ache that things are not okay, which I do but my heart first goes to the Church, body of Christ, the Bride and aches for her as lost. The beauty of the body is that we each have our mandates and functions that in the end create a Body and come together for the ultimate goal-a people fully in love, living for eternity and bringing glory to God till He returns and forever.

With all that said, I know and ask Him to give me His eyes and heart to approach those who don’t know that He made the greatest sacrifice for Love! Their love!

“There is no God like our God who humbled Himself” -Stuart Greaves

He humbled Himself…God, a King of all kings came and not only became His creation but came as a lowly one purposely. Innocent and Righteous He died a criminals death before the eyes of thousands. Why? Why would anyone much less GOD do such a thing? …for love! And He hasnt stopped or given up chasing after His bride, His creation no matter how many years and generations she has spat back at His face and ran away from Him…

wow…that actually aches my heart thinking of it like this…but it’s true.

So here I am getting to know Him more and more each day. Trying to love Him more and more each day in my weak broken messed up way and knowing this about Him; that He never relents from being patient and kind and chasing after me with eyes of Love, why do I choose to keep this to myself?

So many excuses come to mind… ::sigh:: First of all, for all who think I write and explain myself well, this is due to the fact that I am writing my emotions. They never come out this; put together-verbally in person. I am a verbal processor so rambling jumbled up emotions are what spew out of me.

What else? Well…I guess I care too much what strangers might think or how they’ll react which is ridiculous.

Thats been another awesome thing about this training and journey, understanding the power of believing and speaking out loud. The power of words. All my fears, hesitations, and chains locked at my feet can all just disappear if I just tell them to get out!

Believing it and saying it! Done!

No drawn out process. No expensive scheduled related topic conference. Now sometimes, process does happen and conferences are needed but it was more of a demystifying of this reality that took place in my mind this week about inner healing and deliverance. It doesnt need to be this long drawn out, fighting with the manifested demon in a person event. It can be as easy, as boldly, knowing by faith, as declaring something specific out loud to Go! Done! And receiving His forgiveness after repenting from it; turning away from it, telling it to Go and replacing this past issue that tormented once with Truth!

What Circuit Riders call the 4 R’s.

Repent. Receive. Rebuke. Replace.

What I do miss is the Prayer Room. This week has been amazing but my heart is missing just sitting long hours at His feet. I will return there again soon enough. Until then, I’ll steal every moment I can with Him!

Want to know more about Circuit Riders? Check it out at and on Facebook for pictures from this week at YWAM Orlando

That’s my quick update!

Jesus is a real Man who is also GOD! He is alive because He rose from the dead after three days of His death. He is king forever and will return to the earth to make all the wrong things right! Will you choose to know this Man? He loves you with all His heart, all His mind, all His strength even if you dont love or know Him yet cause He made you with His hands and chose you!

Dont live in loneliness and emptiness anymore. Turn from all the things that He says will only hurt you in the end and tell Him you choose Him too!

Jesus encounter every readers heart and fill it with Truth about Your love that never fails! Amen!

You could say:

“Jesus. I choose you too! I believe You came and died for my sins which separated me from God. I believe that you rose from the dead after 3 days and took power over Death forever. I repent or turn away from all the bad things that dont satisfy at the end of the day. They only leave me empty hence I need more again. I turn away and repent from all my sins. I receive Your forgiveness and salvation from death! I am now Your child forever. Thank You for choosing me, for loving me, for saving me. Im free and will now know true love and happiness forever that is only found in You Jesus! Amen!”

Welcome to the family! 😉

“…a spoonful of consistency” and then ONETHING

My diagnosis: I am not consistent with anything!

New Years Resolution: Consistency

My  FB/Twitter post:

“I wanted to write a song-so here’s 2:30am-if we want change-forward movement-we need to set time aside-make sacrifices & try-key is: keep at it.”

a homemade gift from a friend for this new season

Now, I began writing this days before the ONETHING Orlando 2011 conference which was the weekend of Jan. 13-15th. The new year came, and for the first time since I could remember, it was the best New Years I had ever had to date. That to me seemed to be a remarkable sign of hope for this coming new year. It’s funny, (those who love, know Jesus and have been to conferences or something full of encounter may get what I mean here) but havent you ever hated going through an amazing encounter with God, not man and your heart leaps with aspirations and goals for the furthering of your falling in love with who this Man Jesus is? You feel the hands of Grace nudging you and cheering you on to the next chapter of this boot camp called life unto Eternity. You get home with a checklist of changes and desires you will start to do immediately…then the next morning kinda in it but the norm is creeping in, then day 3, 4 somehow life’s  habits just fell back into the places they were before that encounter.

I was determined that this couldnt continue to be my pattern. This year HAD to be different than the past, 20 something years.

Onething Orlando was for me, what we call that “Re-Signing Up” with the race, journey and assignment He’s given. I most definitely re-signed up with Him and mine and His desire for me to live like Mary of Bethany (Luke 10:42) , Anna in the temple (Luke 2:36-37), David (Psalm 27:4) , be a lovesick forerunner, sojourner dwelling in the House of the Lord.

It’s crazy, today I’m in my office and my co-worker’s desk lies empty before me as he is at home coping with the death of his close cousin; a cop in our city who went with a search warrant to a house and it became hostile and he is now dead. I’m hear watching the news on my computer and my heart feels so many different emotions at once. Anger comes over like cloud coverage as the reality that ANYONE can buy a gun as though they were buying candy from a store. Last night heart ached for Jesus’ return to establish Justice (make the wrong things right) as a bloody domestic murder/suicide was uncovered in a Miami home. Things are NOT okay right now and they wont be till He comes home to us again.

It’s almost as though it were His mercy and grace to keep my heart and mind coming back to why I’m living for another age; remind me that I have re-signed up-this is my true desire.

Luke 10:42 “but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen the good part, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Psalm 27:4 “One thing have I desired, that will I seek. That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, gazing on the beauty of the Lord and inquiring of Him in His temple.”

These words resonate through my tissues, my veins, swelling my heart, flooding my lungs with songs…

A spoonful of consistency was going to be an entirely different blog going into my life patterns especially in reference to my creative desires but my consistency lies in my relationship with my God, my Beloved whose like no other. Everything else falls into place from there.

His heart is full of zeal looking down at His creation and seeing the destruction we commit, endure-how we’re destroying ourselves to extinction. It was all about Love and Love is crying out loud desiring the only One worthy to take the scrolls and make all things new…Jesus, the worthy Lamb. (Revelation 5).

Any-who…It’s been a heavy day so I will end this post. The prayer room ( has been soothing, helping to keep my heart and mind, gaze set on Him and not let my weak humanistic self be anxious or get spiritually heavy (in a dark way) over everything I was witnessed today.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion, and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 …amen

“Silent the world around me…”

There are many who have read this blog for many different reasons. Many saw the word MAC makeup and ran to see if my post was conducive to your search. Others were attracted by movies, or books I have mentioned or just rambled my thoughts toward.

I will not apologize technically but I will only say that my hope is that change to come will not draw you away but perhaps perk your curiosity enough to wonder and maybe even, dare to ask…not me but the One I will embrace fully and write about.

The nature of this BLOG is going to change! COMPLETELY.

I am on a journey right now and though yes, it is and will be very personal, I feel an incline to share certain aspects of it for whatever reason.

I have just arrived from another weekend at this place in Orlando that has made me reevaluate my entire life…again.I am wanting to truly walk into what I was made for and here is where some may want to run for the hills…Jesus…

Yup, I said it! The greatest name above every name that has such power it either makes you melt in Lovesick adoration or makes you cringe on the inside and turn away.

I haven’t been secretive about my faith but I haven’t been blunt and open as I could be cause there is so much more.

So, back to this weekend; (now that the pre-qualifiers are out of the way) a woman named Rhonda Calhoun came from Kansas City, MO and spoke for three days about three things…

1. the Father Heart of God

2. the Bridegroom’s Relentless Love

3. the Soon Coming King

Many would think, “O but of course, good show! Here! Here!” Very common topics spoken…well perhaps just number #1 is a topic spoken of often. I have been a believer of Jesus for almost 12 years and I have yet to here someone speak of these three subjects are she did. I have heard amazing powerful teachers speak of these three subject WELL but there was something about Rhonda’s deliverance…this woman knows GOD…She grew up in what we would consider and they were, very unfortunate circumstances. Since 7 years old this woman has spoken with, felt, heard GOD.

When someone speaks, whether you’ve heard of God many years taught by many or never at all, you would know if they know God and this woman knows God. She knows His favorite color. Why? Cause she’s asked knowing He’s tell her.

So to actually rap it up to my point, the gist of just one of her messages was about these two trees that even people who don’t want to know Jesus and have never read Him would know- the TREE of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and the TREE of Life.

“Ever since that fruit (the one both Eve and Adam ate from the tree of knowledge) we (as people, mainly believers of Jesus) have been seekers of knowledge and not seekers of GOD!”

Even seeking to know theology and all the answers and debate winning catch phrases has been our downfall. Wrong tree. The tree I want to sit under, eat from, feel the breeze from is the TREE OF LIFE.

It’s a choice only I can make and it will cost me EVERYTHING. We do not have much time left. This is the time of consecration; here’s the choice with great direction and fear is the lack of trust in God so I choose to start leaning so hard with my face planted on his back, arms wrapped around His waist as He leads the way, and I have no control to see where I’m going…

I need to learn to be a better person and this worlds perspective or definition of a good person is not my standard, but Jesus the Man who came down and did it first, perfectly for me. I set my standard towards who He is and what He did and is doing still today. (Hebrews 7:25 for a start)

So here is my journey and little things even will I share as a public journal for even my own remembrance.

May this bless some of you, preferably all of you.

First little kiss from my Papa I’d like to say:

So I was a person terrified of bugs and spiders, ect. Even recently I would completely panic and be anxious and freaked out if I saw a bug, insect of any kind. I would say one of the biggest were spiders. Today I went to shower and prepping my heart before, just enjoying Him and letting Him enjoy me I went to the bathroom and lo’ and behold; a spider in the shower and for the first time I felt completely calm and in control. I went and apologized for needing to kill him but I couldnt trust him to not cause trouble, and got rid of him. Normally I would have been shaking from anxiety and dreading getting near it and even worse I would have created a huge drama to get in the shower.

None of that… I knew a shift and a change was coming. Some may think this story is silly but some may actually get it.

Good evening to all and may you all have dreams of who this Man Jesus truly is and may my best friend the Holy Spirit teach you who He is and who you are.

“Silent the world around me; wait to hear Your whisper.”

Music, ch-ch-changes & all that Jazz!

As most can see, it has been quite some time since I’ve blogged personally here. I have abandoned you O blog and have been occupied  with my job Blog ( where I have been blogging about my daily encounters and ponders while there in the prayer room.

That right there has been one of the big ch-ch-ch-changes in my life lately in the past few months.

I have abandoned this poor blog due to my career change, if you would call it that.

It’s crazy cause everything in me wanted to FLEE from my hometown. I was dreading the fast that “fate” had brought me back here; and for what!? I couldnt understand why I was back and what in the world I was going to do here.

Many may not understand this but I will share anyhow. All it took was 20 minutes sitting before the presence of the King (this awesome Man names Jesus) fully vulnerable and I knew what I had to do. I knew what I had to focus my time, affections and heart towards. All these months struggling desiring so desperately for direction, some sort of insight on what was next in my life.

First the first time in a while (perhaps almost 4 years -knew I was suppose to be in Kansas City without a shadow of a doubt) I finally knew with all confidence no matter what anyone said, I knew what I was suppose to do and what I was suppose to give myself to for however long, I’d stay in my hometown.

I kept trying to make things happen, figure it all out myself on my own. I wanted my dreams to happen now with my time clock and my way cause I didn’t trust He (My God) was doing it and doing it better than I ever could.)

Long story short, I joined the House of Prayer here and have been in the transition process ever since. Things have definitely had their ebb and flow moments here but I know all I can do is be faithful with the little and all else will fall into place.

While that craziness was going on something else kinda snuck up and bit me in the …leg…

What was once again a drifting dream just one day being joked about bloomed into a speedy reality! My bestfriend had a thought that perhaps we could work on making music together. I was busy with my new full time commitment I was not looking to over stuffing my plate. A month later a drummer boy lets say opened his mouth and between the two of them they began to seriously discuss our futures.

Next thing you know… A band was formed and music juices started flowing…and by His grace flowing fast!

Three people passionate about music lost our minds and decided, “what the hay, let’s do this!” My bestfriend’s idea was birthed and now, we are Mo[u]rning Comes! ( & )

We’ve been in the music making/writing process and it’s been pretty awesome. We just had this weekend our first practice and my heart was overwhelmed with the reality that we were doing this and by golly it might just happen this time!

So that in short believe it or not is my update. I hope we’ll have stuff to show you all soon in regards to the band!

Thanks for all your reads, you guys rock! I know my posts are so random and not cohesive in themes but hey! I hear variety is good for the soul…I mean…I’m sure someone out there has said something along those lines! ::wink::

In the spirit of this blog, a tip!

Tip # 271

with things like FACEBOOK and “mutual friends” -guys and gals-Dont try and lie that you werent somewhere. Just comes clean, you’re gonna get caught thanks to Cousin Edith’s picture album on facebook!

Cheese and Crackers-I’m out!

::Food For Thought::

So being back in Miami where it is Summer all year long, makes you think about all the half nakedness running around, EVERYWHERE, not just the beach sad enough.


So here’s what I am wondering for all the God fearing people. If you’re not God fearing than what I’m about to say is probably going to sound ridiculous to you and in the end, this is my thought and logic and my own understanding, doesn’t need to be yours, but I’m curious…

Would you (ladies.. because men, this wouldn’t really apply to you but probably good for you to read either way) so again; Would you wear your bra and underwear around groups of complete strangers???

Think hard… it seems like an obvious answer but take a second to think… Would you wear your bra and underwear in front of groups of strangers outdoors? ……. what if you were by water? ….

For me, even if I had the world’s concept of a “perfect” body, I personally would never wear my bra and underwear in front of groups of strangers outdoors. I think it is completely inappropriate and this world is struggling with sin and sexual immorality so heavily (and I’m just taking about the church here, cause we all know the world is but don’t care or even look at it as a struggle, it’s normal of course; they would say)

This is my opinion… So you ask, Desiree, is there a point to this?

My point is now whether or not again, even if I had the world’s concept of a “perfect body” would I wear a Bikini to the beach…

See to me, if I would not wear my bra and underwear for more than one reason in front a stranger, groups of strangers outdoors, why would I wear a bikini?

Is it cause I’m next to water?

That seems to make everything ok. Hey if I’m outside, next to water, the rules change, and I can wear my bra and underwear made of stronger water resistant material in front of groups of strangers who struggle with Lust… male and female

Woman’s swimsuits in the 1800’s … that funny enough this was a large revealing step in woman’s swimsuits from what they used to look like, earlier on…
So here’s the thing I find interesting, back in the days it was inappropriate for woman to show off their bodies to anyone else but their husbands. Imagine that?


But Desiree times have changed and that’s just old fashion thinking…

Ok … but see, the world has changed from having Morals, the world has changed from Chivalry being normal, the world has changed from being married to one man all your life and that being normal; the world has changed where Not being a virgin before marriage was a scandal that made you a fallen member of the family who disgraced the families name… harsh? Well that’s how often that didn’t happen back in the days, where now, pre-teens in Middle School are mocked and scoffed at for being a virgin at 11 years old…

The world IS changing and I do not want to keep changing with it. 10 years ago Bikini’s were not nearly as provocative as now. Now the Brazilian style has reached it’s peak where nothing (jeans, underwear, bikini bottoms) is made without a Brazilian (meaning Low Rise Hip fitting) format to it automatically. There is practically NOTHING left to the imagination anymore. And we wonder why LUST and Sexual Immorality is worse than ever… or at least worst since Sodom and Gomorrah or the “golden days” of the Roman (Trojan) Empire.

Funny enough even men didn’t wear their underwear in public. They had more “modest” swimwear as well.
So many struggle with Lust (actually, I’m sorry, EVERYONE struggles with Lust) that I chose not to partake in it and go with the flow and changes of this world… cause it’s only going to get worse…


Look at history… the more provocative and the more liberal minded the things of this world, the fashion of this world got, the worse society has morally declined throughout the decades…

This world has NEVER not had Lust and sin, but when I was in middle school, those who had sex were the rarity not the “rule”. Being a virgin was something common and proud. It’s digressing year by year at such a fast rate now that I don’t even want to know what 5 more years hold.

**Pictures one and two are what bathing suits looked like. Out of respect to the men reading this I will not post in comparison the swimsuits of today**

Food for thought! In Sunshine filled states and countries surrounded by gorgeous oceans even to Christians choosing not to wear a bikini may seem prudish, or religious, or ridiculous minded… But I think people have seriously considered them to not be in association with underwear only because the material is different and you’re by a body of water. As it is bikini’s these days are even MORE revealing than most people’s intimates! So why is it not ok and almost would seem awkward if someone wore their bra and underwear in front of people at general store in public, but if someone walked in with their bikini, you’d think for a second, huh, I guess they’re off to the beach and then forget it without a second thought in question? I mean, does it not seem of how we have separated the two as it we were talking about socks and pants… food for thought!

Thanks for reading! ^_^ Just wanted to share