I would have liked, I believe to have gone through the whole college experience. I watch movies (which of course I know fabricate the truth of such experiences) and I’m not focused on the character’s role in all this. What I’m looking at is everything else around them. The trees on bright lawns of green, the gorgeous architecture of the structures encircling them, students with books…large books in their hands, leaning against one of those brilliant trees reading, conversations from passerby, ect…
I look at that and go, “hmm…I wouldve loved to been one of them…maybe I can… (chuckle to self) yea nevermind. Though appearance wise I can pass off being mistaken for the 19-21 category, the truth of my age would just make my attendance a sad…sad thing to behold.
Perhaps its just my love of books…unfortunately my love for carrying them, owning them, buying them goes far deeper than my love for reading them. I was never a reader growing up. I came from an entertainment driven family. A T.V. in every room. No one ever encouraged or inspired reading around me so here I am today finding myself at a constant mentoring of myself to read all the books that fill my bookshelf and make me so happy. So again, yes perhaps its the love of books, coffee and cozy surroundings that draw me to curiosity about the “collegiate life”. But not just any, I think of the sad-looking schools in my area and have NO desire to explore this hidden curiosity there. I want beautiful, historic structures that one could get lost in; another place, another time. That right there would require living in another state completely…and being quite intelligent to even be accepted on such grounds…oh yea and theres the whole turning back time and attempting this whole life after high school all over again…fabricating an old great grandparent of great wealth who has suddenly discovered their unfailing admiration and love for my existence hence giving me a butt load of money wouldn’t have been so bad either in this re-do scenario.
If I had truly applied myself, I wonder if I could have been a great student. After high school, the corporate 9-5 world found me and my situation needed my attention. I had aspirations and dreams. They were all artistic.
Funny story, a few years later I had the opportunity to pursue school again. I decided I wanted to get into FIU’s Theater program. I somehow got all the information and audition dates. I prepared and went to audition. A friend had come with me to wait. I was terrified. I was reviewing my monologue. It was a long day. I was one of the last auditions. I went in and performed a monologue from David Mamet’s Oleanna. I found the piece online and never had read the play. Thats a “no no”. Once I was done auditioning in this typical small black box theater (love that!) in front of 3 judges sitting directly in front of me they of course questioned if I was familiar with the material, had I ever read it. I was honest and said, no. They gave me the slap on the hand look but in the end, they liked my performance.
The next day I found out I was accepted into the theater program. I was ecstatic! I couldnt believe that they had found me worthy! I was already in love with the department building. I had been there for District competition when I was in high school theater. They made an appointment for me to come in, see the department leader and start my bright future here in this university.
So…there was this one…small…minut detail I needed to first discuss with my new fearless leader. I went in that bright Monday morning, sat in her office and she was confused. She was looking everywhere in the system for me. Wasnt I registered? Yea, so what had happened was, I never applied to the school. Somewhere in my mind I had convinced myself that, if only I can just secure my spot first in the department, everything else would work itself out…right? No.
She looked disappointed and it made me feel good that she was excited to have me and terrible for needing to walk away from this great opportunity that could have changed the course of my life.
Thats just it huh? For those of you who believe everything happens for a reason, well, there it is. This life changing opportunity gave me a taste and spit me back out with the rest of the world. All for some back on life-course reason right? Honestly, dont ask me now, I still dont see the big picture.
Anyhoo, my many attempts at returning to school and trying something new and old, always met me with face slammed by the door conclusions. Something…something always happened and so my college adventures were always short-lived.
All that to say…It would have been nice to experience that. Interesting to think back and wonder how different choices, opportunities, experiences could have, would have made us very different people today because of them. Who would I have been? What would have been my interests, thoughts, ideals? Random but curious thought.
Well off to bed to continue hopefully a good book.
Interesting when starting a blog or perhaps you just think; shouldn’t I start a blog? It’s been a while and for some crazy reason, people stumble across this random pile of thoughts and I believe actually read it; so the question that crosses your mind…”Do I have anything worthy to say?”
It’s one of those moments, where it’s past midnight and song writing isn’t flowing, fingers are being fidgety not wanting to play the guitar tonight like a five year old, throwing a tantrum about not eating broccoli…so you think, “perhaps I have something to write about?”
Let’s start then with my trip…
Kansas City was amazing. My visit was terribly short unlike this post about KC that is terribly late since I returned weeks ago already. Coming back home was very much bitter sweet.
We went to a Renaissance Fair (my first ever!) as well as to the Melting Pot for the first time for some amazing chocolate fondue for “happy hour” which meant chocolate awesomeness for $5! (no alcohol purchase necessary, which works out since I dont desire or fancy the taste of alcohol. I can find better ways to escape my day or life for a few hours without the indulge).
We went to a Louisiana JAZZ restaurant joint that was true to the theme and the food was quite delicious. Though I believe I am not the best critic since one, I do not eat sea food and two, I have a ridiculously low tolerance for anything spicy…so…the chicken and non spicy stuff was DELICIOUS! ::chuckle to self knowing how sad that reality is::
Of course the best part of the whole thing was my wonderful, brilliant writer, beautiful, funny and witty best friend Heather Lee’s presence which I missed terribly! It was her birthday week as well. I was ecstatic and honored to be a part of the celebration!
These past few days I’ve been reminiscing my Theater geek days and remembering how much I always wanted to do Musical Theater. If it wasnt for the cut-throat, win at all cost (even murder), overtly sexual environment that doesnt remotely have a clue of what the idea of “Boundaries” means, while exuding the sad insecurities of vanity and
“dumb luck for another was all it was” venture; I would have fought harder to be in that world.
Shows like “Glee” (great concept minus the inappropriate …well everything per episode) and movies like “Phantom of the Opera” which I wasnt very fond of when it first came out. Saw it randomly on television the other day and appreciated the music and principle actors acting better now…7 years later. Anyway, these little momentary hiccups in my day have had me thinking about the arts…performing arts mainly.
It’s such a powerful tool… I think of Musicals and how they can portray the emotion of a moment, a scene, a thought so powerfully all because Music says most times what we feel or think way better than regular dialogue or a monologue can.
We truly are musical creatures. It’s in our DNA…no, seriously, it’s literally in our DNA…research it, it’s pretty cool and just makes sense the Creator of all creation would create us to respond that way with every fiber in our beings.
How I wish talented, gifted performers, writers, ect would rise up in Jesus Christ and with integrity, knowledge of the Word, and genuine depth in prayer would bring to life all we know, encounter and feel to a powerful halt of sound; the silence of awe and beauty beholding…Things never seen before, scores never heard before because Heaven opened from above and dropped in mercy a piece of the beauty of holiness…
When will performers in Christ stop defining each other by the worlds standards and “greats”. Mind you, these so called greats and legends they base all their talent and inspiration on were either, suicidal, or reckless, irresponsibly sad accidental deaths, were tormented, never satisfied and families fell apart as they played their “genius” alone and haunted…”yes…cause that’s exactly what I want to be when I grow up!”::cued sarcasm::
Dont ask me who my favorite Director is, or who are my musical influences just so you could define me and label me and whatever talent I may have as worthy or not. Why do Christians base standards on whats on this decaying earth rather than what’s set above? This is why we’re still waiting for the sounds of heaven never heard before that would revolutionize Music, or concepts and ideas demonstrating Truth in the word powerfully instead of in a cheap, cheese-factor kind of manner…
WE NEED A HOLY RENAISSANCE to sweep every Artist who proclaims to know this Man, Jesus Christ!
(p.s. I’m preaching to the choir here…meaning myself included)
May grace takes us deeper still… Spring up O well within us
Let’s Get Personal
Normally, I am pretty general about blog topics and keep things less “personal” but I have a lot on my mind and to write is healing for me.
I will try and not bore ya’ll too much and incorporate many pretty, interesting or at least relevant PICTURES! yay!
Life… What a vast topic. Each life it’s own with it’s own experiences (never two the same) and all it’s intricate dynamics. How to cope with the unexpected. Sudden unexpected? No… this is more about LIFE not turning out so far as you thought, hoped, dreamed it to be.
<~~~~ LOOK at this poor fella’. I know him, cause I WAS him. Straight out of High School I attempted the 9-5 for 5 years. It was a necessity. But my heart’s goal to be involved somehow in the Arts (performing) never ceased. It was always there and strong.
From the moment I stepped into a Theater and on stage I realized that not only I could do this, but that I LOVED it, it was over! I had to be in this world of Music, Theater, Film, Dance and all!
Throughout the years I dabbled in all of them.
I auditioned and searched for all sorts of opportunities.
I attempted to study theater twice.
I enrolled in Film School.
Here’s a funny one. My best friend and I were convinced we were gonna be Rock Stars. (wow, there must be a pattern, cause now that I think of it, my high school best friend and I thought we’d be a Pop Duo. We auditioned for labels and all ::chuckles to self::)
Seriously though, we were serious. We both always wrote songs but none of us knew how to play any instruments. Sadly in Miami it’s not common to find young people who take the time to learn instruments. Here it’s all about having a “rap” career. I wont even attempt to get into that.
So we thought “LETS LEARN INSTRUMENTS” ::sighs:: Aww, how cute and NAIVE were we? She wanted to be a Drummer and I a guitarist. Hey! We were trying to be committed. I bought my first guitar and goodies (she was a Yamaha kit you buy at Guitar Center; her name was Betty) and she was given a Drum Set!
Now if only we could have found teachers to teach us how to play them, we might have been on to something more substantial than just a Band Name! (which I will not reveal!)
MUSIC has always been a HUGE passion in my heart and life. O but fear. That tricky, sneaky toxic thing. Fear of sucking. Fear that brings those insecurities that you’re not good enough. Fear holds people back. Fear is meant to trip you especially while you’re skipping in that pretty little meadow.
So what happened? How at 26, is life looking NOTHING like I thought it would by now?
Anyone out there feeling this? Its crazy how bright eyed and hopeful you are when you’re younger, in High School.
Then the real world happens. Graduation, bills, thinking of the future provision for your Life. Next thing you know, years have past and you’re only living to live each day.
I have been RIDON-CULOUSLY blessed to have a Mother who has bent over backwards to support my whims, my dreams, my struggles. She’s always been there as a single mother of two (I have an older brother who got into a car accident when he was 13 and she needs to help support him) always been there finding ways no matter what to support this small family of ours.
All the money in the world, couldn’t repay what she’s done time and time again for me. (physically, financially, and emotionally) I love her- and hope for the day when she no longer has to struggle and may relax, enjoy life more.
(pause:: Wow. I wasn’t kidding when I said I was getting personal. Practically writing a book here…with pictures! like a comic book…but not…anyway, back to the story) ::wink::
It really sucks having so many passions. Makes it so much harder to choose which one to focus on.
And I will admit, I’m not HA-mazing at any one particular. I’m averagely good at all of them. Quick to pick up things. So even more so, there’s no obvious choice here either.
I spent three years in Kansas City, MO finding perspective.
I found it. It changed my life for the better. But here’s the funny thing about finding perspective…once you’ve found the great “EUREKA” the next step is Living, Walking out perspective on our day to day life…
::cricket cricket:: Yea…totally easier said than done! So now I have returned home and thought, “Now What?”
Nothing has really turned out the way I expected. How to cope with “What’s Next?”
It dawned on me, “hey, I like hair and makeup. I’ve always played around and dabbled here and there. Instead of getting a back up degree; fall back plan in Business (snore!) go to Cosmetology school!”
wait for it… Fear
I’m scared that I’ll have to be amazing in hair cause this may be what I’m stuck doing and I’ll never make music, act, write, direct, ect…
I started facing the possibility that my fall back plan was my “IT” plan and I wonder – How do I cope with that BIG unexpected?
I reminisced the other day and opened my high school year book. One year I was in a few pages cause I was in the Thespian Society (Drama Club) and I had a quote with my picture on one page. It took my breathe. I didn’t remember till that moment that I did say what I said for that interview. My heart almost wanted to cry cause I was so sure back then.
“Everything I want to do in the future has to do with drama, and I want experience in the field. Also, when I first started drama, it changed my perspective on life.”
hmm…Perspective… So… LIFE – how to cope with the unexpected?
To be honest, I’m still figuring that out for myself. Some days, I’m in control and blending with life. Other days, I get my internal break downs. (Hey I’m Artistic, I can afford to be more “life ending” dramatic ::smirk::)
Zion (my current Martin Guitar someone anonymously gave me) and I are trying to persevere, self teaching and documenting.
Yes, I know I am still young. One day though when I’m ready to settle down, it would have been nice to have experienced certain things already.
So, there it is. I have shared WAY too much with the strangers out in WiFi land but like I said, writing is healing for me. I am TERRIBLE at verbally expressing myself but in writing…sheer perfection. The emotional outlet not the writing; I know the writing’s not perfect!
Well thank you for bearing if you did. As they all say, Persevere, never give up hoping, dreaming. Dream big even… LIFE is unexpected, we can’t change that; even the craziest of control freaks can’t change that.
It is our choice whether or not we’ll take the unexpected and let it break us or change our perspective and view it as an adventure. So kick fear in the rear! (::giggles:: I didn’t rhyme on purpose; and yes I know I’m cheesy) and Dont Give up!
“You’re all beautiful and I’m here all week! Thank You New York! and GOODNIGHT!”
tip# 764 on a stage performance, make sure your duet partner didn’t eat corn nuts before your kissing scene! yuck!