Day 3 of “no” talking…
Due to certain House of Prayer duties, like singing and briefing with a worship team; not talking is harder than I thought.
I almost wish like the Desert Father’s Henri Nowen spoke of, that I could just find a cave and make myself still before the Lord, but that would be too easy and I wouldnt face my junk that stirs inside!
It’s so interesting how much you feel the need to defend yourself; prove a point when you’re hurt or angry. I’m not getting the wonder awe filled moments of audibly hearing the Lord or grand revealtion about Him…No of course, it’s (as Henri Nowen warned) just magnifying my issues ever so clearly to me and it sucks! Let’s not lie here….funny enough, let me quote what Henri said would happen….(arg, dern Henri Nowen, you werent suppose to be right just an interesting read!)
“…a nothingness so dreadful that everything in my wants to run to my friends, my work, and my distractions so that I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe that I am worth something. But that is not all. As soon as I decide to stay in my solitude, confusing ideas, disturbing images, wild fantasies, and weird associations jump about in my mind like monkeys in a banana tree. Anger and greed begin to show their ugly faces. I give long hostile speeches to my enemies and dream lustful dreams which I am wealthy, influential, and very attractive, or poor, ugly and in need of immediate consolation. Thus I try again to run from the dark abyss of my nothingness…”
Now here’s the thing, all this has way more involved than just not talking. Most all of my comforts that I run to are being set aside for this journey. TV, movies, entertainment, distractions, but to set all of those thing aside and sit in silence and try and listen to His voice.
So Day 3… it’s been a rough, interesting day… but holding on cause He knows that in my weak attempts, I love Him and what more of Him….